rant
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 5, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: rant
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oh my god i just need to breathe slowly a f--- ton and ill be good. i was not ready for this and if i knew it would happen, i would've stayed in bed this morning. theres so many thoughts and feelings and its so overwhelming and i just want to stop shaking and having a heartrate of 120. i cant collect my thoughts and theres an actual pain in my chest, this myst be an anxiety attack. it doesnt feel like im having a heart attack again but i cant seem to calm down for the life of me
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i calmed down but im having trouble breathing and my chest still has a huge weight on it
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i wish my stomach would stop turning, and all these things ive been working on wouldnt try and bubble back up. i was doing good, i was moving on, and now it seems like my body's trying to undo all that. i wont let it. ive finally begun to feel okay and start getting back into stuff like painting and friends. i dont want to go back to crying every night and imagining a million scenarios that are unhealthy and unrealistic. i dont want to miss them, so i wont let myself. i dont care how, i will move on. that might not be moving on, but id rather that than having it drag out and chase someone who doesnt want me. someone i dont even want anymore. im so f---ing sick of being used and i dont care what anyone says.
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im sorry for hating you, but its all i could do to stop loving you. i had to turn it all into malice and hate so that it would hurt less and itd be easier to deal with. but i dont think you realized how much i loved you, and i dont think i did either.
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