Drowning In Demons
- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 17, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: Drowning In Demons
Thnx Spice, your the best.
Still don't fix the part where you are messed up, f---ed up, and very weird.
Omg, I hate these feelings, like a sense of hopelessness. I wish people would leave me alone. But no, they keep yelling at me. I'm bound to snap at someone. I hope it's just not the wrong person, I can't screw my life up again. Though I can't be stopped either.
Even with my independence gone, my mind still has full reins and I am trying not to lose control. I can't cry at school, I need to smile through the pain. Act happy, so people think i'm fine. That I'm not messed up.
I made him angry, he is so pissed. He can say what he want but I can read between the lines. He wants his independence, let him keep it. If he needs help, he better ask for it.
I need to stay in control, my imagination is starting to go on a running spree and I have no control. I hate life, I hate this. Why can't I help myself?
Hopelessness, people can say that without it you are hopeless but I was hopeless the day I was born. God for told this but for some reason he allowed it.
I am trying my best to stay together, for Brycen, for my friends. But I am falling apart, sugar coating the truth about me. Trying to make them feel good that they have me.
I am just trouble though, straight from the beginning. I push buttons and I like doing it. Why, i have no clue. I just need to stop myself before I do the wrong thing. The wrong move, I could throw my life away to protect them from the monster here.
For once I actually feel like I can't help myself, like I am the problem. That's it, I am the problem. And to make things right again you must get rid of the problem.
That means I got to get rid of myself. But do I wanna just be fake with a mask over the truth or just die? I could just act fake and make everybody happy. Or I could, poof, disappear.
Nobody would care, or at least they say they care but that only makes me feel more like s---. Why? Because that was how I was made. Made already shattered. Broken from the beginning, I am going insane from my own family.
I know how my future is gonna be, my plans aren't what they seem. I am gonna go insane before I can get out of the house away from the yelling.
I am seriously gonna have a breakdown in my own house all because my family had me throwing myself of a bridge. Nobody in my household would miss me, it would probably quieten back down to the way it was before.
Nobody would care, I am on my last straw. Lost in a world not made me for me. Stuck in a life I don't want, and nobody seems to notice that I am drowning in my own demons.
I have no home, no family, no friends, nobody. Just myself, and I have to be strong for myself because nobody else for me. Brycen says he cares but he has different problems, his own life.
I talk to myself so much these days that I have become my own friend and enemy. I have no idea how that works, but I care about myself to try to get myself out of this.
I wish I had someone who understood, who knew what it was like to always have very deadly feelings. But nobody, nobody, knows the real me. And they would just tell me I have a great life, to stop complaining. To grow up.
I want the yelling to stop, a life where my name isn't the one being yelled at 24/7. Someone needs to feel my pain, their name yelled always.
I need my life to survive but three years feel like a enternity. And my relationship may die because we can't even talk without me crossing the line. I have to watch what I say but no..I have to just blurt out stupid s---.
I just want to be free, no longer chained to my family. Nobody knows that music calms my mind and I feel normal for once. But I'm not normal, I feel off my rocker sometime ago.
I am not sure if I should end this or just keep it same. I don't want to hurt him but I'm suffocating trying to be happy for him and trying to make my family happy.
He seems to be pretty pissed, but then again his girlfriend is a little s---. He even said I was one, right in front of everybody. Maybe he is right, he is always right.
I just...I hate this. I just want someone to hold me close, to stop the pain, to make me feel better. I have nobody though, everybody has other people.
I just want to be protected, but I don't deserve it I guess. Cuz, I am still here, alone. With no one and alone. Cold and hopeless.
I'm pushing myself to hard but I'm done with this. I am saying what i have to say and will sleep a long time and maybe I will go to a better place.
-Good Bye to Myself-
Angie? Are you still there?
I've done it, all my friends believe I am happy. I am though, I wear this mask and nobody knows. I even managed to fool the family.
I will not be tore down, so I smile in the face of fear even though I shake in my boots, the mask makes me seem alright.
Could I really pull of being a singer, I want to make music like Alan Walker and K-391 but that takes talent and what if I'm not good enough?
At least Brycen wants to be a music producer, that could work well together for me and him. I like the idea of making music with him.
I need to calm down, just listen to my music. How do you tell someone you love them when you are too busy trying to stay alive? You don't I guess, they just know.
How do you tell them you love them without them doubting it? I don't know anymore what to do, I am just pushing myself and I know I'm gonna lose it.
I am going to lose it, and my family is gonna regret having me. I am going to be pushed to the edge, and no love is gonna bring me back.
Hey, do you want to talk about it?
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