The Asperkid's Book of Social Rules
- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 8, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: The Asperkid's Book of Social Rules
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- Introduction -
Rules, Posers, and Speaking a Foreign Language
We Aspies have a weird relationship with rules. In some ways, we love them. They kind of act like those organizing tubs you see in container stores. Sort this here, this does NOT go here, and move this out of the way. Rules aren't about telling us what NOT to do, as much as they tell us what we SHOULD do. They prevent chaos and confusion and stress. They create calm when the world feels messy and unpredictable. Rules, you might say, can be an Aspie's best friend. On the other hand, we can take them a little bit overboard. "Rules" about healthy eating can become "food rituals" that restrict social activities; "rules" about homework can become perfectionism that causes great anxiety. Which is why the number one rule about rules is that they are never absolute. Confusing, but true. There are variables, exceptions and escape clauses, and you know what? No one gets this stuff right all the time. It's just that we Aspies like either/or a lot better than "sometimes" or "maybe". No big surprise that so many of us love games, hobbies and stories with predictable patterns and logical construction. Even our imaginations prefer facts and good versus evil basics: sci-fi, fantasy or historical fiction. What can I say? "Maybe" is just not our thing. You've probably noticed by now that I'm saying "we," not "you." That's because I, too, am an Aspie. Although, if you're reading this, and you're an Asperkid, you have a major thing going for you already. I began writing at age four; one thing I found, though, was that it was easier to present in front of hundreds of people rather than one person in an empty room. Let me tell you, after all that, I am one heck of an actress. I got so good at playing the "social game" that I earned the nickname "the flirt." At that time, that felt pretty cool- looking back, though, it was pretty sad. I didn't know I was an Asperkid. I just knew I'd spent enough years getting pranked, left out, made fun of and taunted. Enough nights crying at having to go back to school in the morning. Enough lunches hiding in the woods outside my school rather than try to find a seat. Going from "nerd" to "hottie" felt like a promotion. It wasn't though, because either way, I was defining my self worth by someone else's label. I had no idea how to be authentic (a little nerdy, a little flirty) AND happy. So I'd play my "role" pretty well... but never convincingly enough to fluently "speak" neurotypical (NT). With no idea that I'd done something wrong, I'd bother, embarrass, annoy, hurt or disappoint someone. No matter what I achieved or where I managed to fit in, I always felt like a "poser," just waiting to be outed by the "fake" normal girl I was. Less than two years ago, when I was identified as an Aspie, everything changed. Turned out, I wasn't defective, I was different. Being down on myself for making social blunders was as dumb as being bad at myself or having brunette hair or being a girl. We Aspies are hard-wired differently. Without trying, we can focus on the tiniest detail for hours that other people seem to miss, and we understand wrong versus right down deep in our hearts. Being Aspie isn't bad or good, it just is. I will never be a red-head. I won't ever be male. And I am totally okay with both of those things. I'm also never going to be NT. It's not my normal. And if you are an Asperkid, it's not your normal either. Part of understanding Aspie meant that I could forgive myself for messing up along the way. That was great. But it also means that in order to get along in this world where most people's minds operate differently, we have to learn their rules. The problem is that nobody bothers to explain those rules to us- they just expect that we will "know" them, too. We learn manners, of course... or at least we should. Simply put, good manners make people more comfortable around us. They make other people feel good when they are around us- which means they WANT to be around us more. So? Sooo... if people want to be around us, it's easier to get help from teachers, find small group partners or gym teammates, get a date for the prom, even get hired for a job. Only as Asperkids, we don't think or learn or play like other kids. So we don't understand "manners"- or "secret rules"- the way that others do. -
[poll.Dazm]
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What Come Naturally, and What Doesn't
(Mind-Blindness)
"Manners," generally speaking, are the traditions or customary ways a particular group has to guide the way people treat one another. Their purpose is to make social interaction smoother, less chaotic. Less about "me" and more about "we." And they change from society to society. So, in the Middles East, for example, to even show the bottom of your shoe to another human being is considered deeply offensive and rude. In Japan, not to take off your shoes upon entering a home would be an insult. In Bulgaria, nodding your head means "no" and shaking it from side to side says "yes," but the opposite is true most everywhere else. Argentinians expert you to arrive about thirty minutes after a set arrival time; many other cultures would find that disregard for time to be costly and arrogant. And in the United States, driving five miles over the speed limit is technically against the law- yet it's also expected, and sometimes even necessary if you don't want to tie up traffic. Rule are relative, from one place to another. Expectations change over time (like women going to work), and from one situation to another (talking on a cell phone is fine, but not in the middle of a restaurant). All this "fuzziness" confuses the hek out of us, right? Is someone being rude or just sarcastic? Or are they being sarcastic AND rude? Argh! Why can't this stuff just be simple? Why are these ridiculous "rules" secret to us,and not the NTs? Mostly, our trouble stems from two main challenges. The first is called "mind-blindness." That means that we have an awfully tough time figuring out someone else's point of view. Oh, we THINK we know what they are thinking... but usually, we don't, without actually asking. Please get this. Mind-blindness doesn't mean Aspies are uncaring. Once we find out someone has been hurt, or is afraid or alone, we can be the most sympathetic people around. That's compassion: feeling sorrow or pity for someone else's misfortune. So never let anyone tell you that Aspies don't feel great love for others. They couldn't be more wrong. We may look like we aren't feeling a thing, but you and I know that couldn't be further from the truth. On the other hands, sympathy and empathy are two very different things. Sympathy we've got in spades. Empathy, which is the ability to sense, be aware of and share another's feelings is, let's admit it, not ur collective strong point. Compassionate though we may be, we Aspies usually have to really ponder or even be directly told what someone else's perspective might be. It's not something we're naturally aware of. That doesn't make us bad or mean or uncaring. It means that we have to think about what NTs just "get." On the flip side, we often "get" things that NTs have to stress over, study and try desperately to memorize. Neither brain is better. They're just different ways a mind can work. And just like an NT might have to buckle down to even have a chance at remembering a timeline or equation or factoid you know by rote, we have to "do our homework" to learn the social rules that run in our mostly neurotypical world. -
If you have any cmments or questions, I'd be happy to answer!
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