Love you all!
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:37pm
Thread Topic: Love you all!
-
My poem... Maybe...
-When's he is not available, I'll always feel lonely. His voice is so distant, I feel so lonely. I don't know what to do, I feel so alone.
-Whenever he's available, it'll be for a second. Whenever I try to go near, it'll be for a second.
(Long after it...)
- Is it normal? Is it normal that I feel safe around him? Is it normal that I can feel sad whenever he's sad?
- His voice resonates in my ears. It rings tenderly and softly. His voice alone can explain what he's made of: Love. Passion. Understanding. No judgment. Kindness. Attention.
-Should I continue making eye contact, or just gaze and turn away? It should would be no fun to do either.
-He's my angel. My life-saver angel. I believe he will save another life.
-He knows what is in this little mind of mine. He sees through the glass of his glasses to understand. He cares.
- If you look carefully, you will know how to make another him. Only it'll be impossible to make bad to good.
(Btw, dark, sOon I won't be able to do those amazing posts, like second to second) XD -
I walk down the empty dusty street as I clutch my hungry stomach. No matter what, I need blood.
Suddenly, I see someone moving in the darkness. My night vision helps so much.
I walk to him slowly and find out that he is mr. Nevar.
"Sir? Do you need something?" I ask as I try to prevent him from seeing my fangs.
"And you alone? How can you be outside at this moment? You know that vampires are roaming the land!"
"Well, I didn't know that." I say innocently.
"Are you okay?" He asks when he see me shiver.
"I'm completely fine. But I need your aid."
"Sure, what is it?"
"Close your mouth, and don't scream until I finish." I focus my eyes to his. I move slowly to him and bit his right neck. Pure blood pour out from the two little holes and I lick it.
My need has been fulfilled and I heal the wound with my saliva.
"What did you just do?" He asks, confused.
"Nothing, I forgot. Anyways, I have to go now. Bye." I wink at him and leave. -
Rumput la- rumput hujan! ||(padahal dia (rumput"an) itu lagi baca ini :\) || Hilang satu :'( ||[9/22][236][42+3=50]
-
These are your previous comments I've saved and now I'm sending it back :(
-
You did nothing to kill Tyler.
The reason why I dislike you is you're not very respectful of others. Sometimes you start fights. You don't treat people the way you want to be treated. You always bring yourself down. Those are just critiques. Don't take this the wrong way. Take them in a positive way
You do know that they're going to mark your posts, and you post time will be about one hour, hm? Good job, child.
Go f--- yourself.
JaneDoe -
You did nothing to kill Tyler.
The reason why I dislike you is you're not very respectful of others. Sometimes you start fights. You don't treat people the way you want to be treated. You always bring yourself down. Those are just critiques. Don't take this the wrong way. Take them in a positive way
You do know that they're going to mark your posts, and you post time will be about one hour, hm? Good job, child.
Go f--- yourself.
JaneDoe -
These are actually separated posts I copied one at a time
-
What kind of iambic pentameter am I supposed to use for this poem? I tried all the usual ones and I'm coming up dry. It's almost like you don't have one at all, but that's ridiculous, because that would imply you know less than nothing about writing poems and even poems in general.
Well, no, I suppose while it is true that not all poems have one, I think it says something about their effectiveness when every single notable poem in history has had one. You could almost objectively judge a poem based on its pentameter.
I mean, Jabberwocky had one.
The Road Not Taken had one.
The Garden of Proserpine had one. And it also had the added benefit of talking about the exact same subject matter.
Good art builds on the lessons and teachings of the art before it. Modern artists learned from the Renaissances, Renaissances artists learned from Romans, the Romans learned from the Greeks (I admit I'm a little dim here,) and so on and so forth. If art fails to learn from the examples of it's predecessor, I feel safe objectively calling it s--- art.
Like, what am I supposed to appreciate here? It can't be the words, because those are misspelled and vomited onto the page. It can't be the rhyme scheme or the pentameter or anything clever like that because it doesn't exist. It can't be the message, because that has the depth of the hole I dug for my dead niece and is so cliche Poe is spinning in his grave. What is there to like? What is there to appreciate? Please, tell me if I'm missing something, because I honestly can't find a single redeeming quality to your work. At this point I'd say something like 'at least none of the words are misspelled,' but I can't even say that.
(But I'm going to be honest with you, and give you a compliment. I wish I could post what you do. I really do. I wish I could post a misspelled, brainless, barely formatted post to everyone on Earth, literally everyone, without caring if anyone thinks I'm an idiot. That sounds like bliss. So congrats?
IHLAOY
If you want a comedic song, listen to "Act My Age" by One Direction. It's really funny. XD
Elicia
Try rise against
Cody17
Ehh, it's cool. At least you're doing better today, that makes me slightly happier. What species is Dark Shadow? - Dark22978
So, -Chan is often used for girls, or young boys.
Ex: Otaku-Chan
-san is something you can use for both genders.
Ex: Absol-San
Luna-San
-Kun is mainly used for boys.
Ex: Absol-Kun.
- FullmetalOtaku
senpai is a term often used for those highly regarded by one or for a person you look up to as a mentor or something like that.
ex: kakashi-senpai
- absol heart
Please tell me you are not that dumb, my emotions are a 0 so I don't think I could handle it
- Daffodil3000
Well, try to pace yourself and take it a bit easier when running.
(Yay for late honorific explanations)
-chan is often used with children. It's also used when referring to a person that's close to you, such as a best friend or sibling. It's commonly used with a female name, but it is sometimes used with male names.
Ex. Chifuyu-chan, En-chan
-san is like saying "mister," "miss," "ms," or "mrs." It's usually used when you don't know a person that well, or while speaking formally. -san is usually used with a person's last name. If you don't now what honorific to use, -san is probably your best guess.
Ex. Tsunemori-san, Otaku-san
Otaku-san and absol explained them pretty well, but I didn't want to waste all that typing. I'll add one more then.
No honorific is usually only used as an insult, or if the person knows the other person very well. Some people take it as an insult, for example Leorio in Hunter x Hunter when Kurapika doesn't use an honorific after first meeting him. But it can also be used if the person knows the other very well.
Ex. absol, Leorio
I've heard of both the anime that you mentioned. I haven't seen either.
- Luna Siren
No, I understand. But there's a difference between being an attention whore and wanting someone to talk to, which you are the latter.
- alex3000
You do know that they're going to mark your posts, and you post time will be about one hour, hm? Good job, child.
Go f--- yourself.
JaneDoe
There is also:
< s > line < / s >
line
[ b ] bold [ / b ]
bold
Zelda fanatic16
Ohhhh do that one! That sounds badass. I wanna know how dim my soul is. owo
Dark22978
Hey there, shadow
You didn't seem to care at all when you watched me go.
I know young love is just a dream.
We were only seventeen,
But you're the only love I've known.
So please just let go, if you're done
'Cause it's hope that kills this heart,
So please set me free, kill the spark.
I've been gone from this world for what seems like millennia,
Looking for nothing short of a miracle
I only ever wanted to come home.
Please won't you let me go?
When I have nowhere left I can run away,
Will you lie to me, tell me I'll be okay?
Close my eyes and lay me in my tomb,
Then pull the trigger and send me home.
So how did I get so far from my yesterdays?
Another broken heart now just a memory
I should've left you in the dark.
I should've left this awful town
And never found out how to love.
So I don't wanna know about the things that you regret now that we're dead and over and done.
Get away from me.
And leave my heart under the rug.
I've been gone from this world for what seems like millennia,
Looking for nothing short of a miracle
I only ever wanted to come home.
Please won't you let me go?
When I have nowhere left I can run away,
Will you lie to me, tell me I'll be okay?
Close my eyes and lay me in my tomb,
Then pull the trigger and send me home.
So send me home!
I've been gone from this world for what seems like millennia,
Looking for nothing short of a miracle
I only ever wanted to come home.
So won't you let me go?
When I have nowhere left I can run away,
Will you lie to me, tell me I'll be okay?
Close my eyes and lay me in my tomb,
Then pull the trigger and send me...
Tisjellypenguin
39%.
I'm a female, by the way. xD But thank you for mentioning me.
Dark22978
Okay.
Maybe okay will be our always?
(I'm sorry aha)
Tisjellypenguin
Okay?
Oh for goodness sake, NO I don't.
Tisjellypenguin
I can, if you need to say something to someone find me, I'll listen to you.
I wish I could end hunger.
cody17
At least you had some support, better than none at all.
cody17
no? D:
allo ovo
they are faces my dear
Dark22978
I'm glad.
Still glad.
Well, as long as you're here for now, I'll be fine with that. But really, Zane, try hard not to leave.
Still glad
Life is f---ed up but leaving so soon seems even more f---ed up, don't you think? .w. I'm not sure why I would stop you, but hey, I'm glad.
Same.
Dark22978
+an untuk yang di atas
Life is f---ed up but leaving so soon seems even more f---ed up, don't you think? .w. I'm not sure why I would stop you, but hey, I'm glad.
I wish Nature felt better ;-; Even though i don't know you
care_bear19
None of us would know why YOU want to kill yourself. Maybe you should think for yourself instead of asking complete strangers on the web how your life is and why it makes you want to die.
Dark22978
I don't understand how you can post so quickly.. It's amazing
Dark22978 -
who are u
-
Tense is basically used to express when something in the story is happening. In your story, you switch between present tense, that is, everything is happening right now, and past tense, which is everything has already happened.
For example, 'I passed the man and glanced at him,' is past tense, because it's already happened. Past tense is the most common because it's easier to follow and used the most in academics and writing.
The same sentence in present tense would be 'I pass the man and glance at him.' This is present tense because it's happening now, and not in the future or the past.
It's best to stick to one tense to avoid confusion. I'm sure you can understand how it would be confusing to keep switching between the past and the present.
(To use an example from your story, 'I noticed another pony came in from the door. This time, he has a white coat...' Has should be had, because the previous sentence said we were in the past, instead of the present.)
Mostly, it's just proofreading and experience to catch when you slip up. Once you get used to writing in a tense, you'll rarely slip out of it.
Most of the time it's like you simply removed a word from the sentence so it makes no sense, and other times you're just plain wrong.
There's a good example in the first sentence, 'I woke up, and greeted by the same darkness.' It should read 'I woke up, and was greeted by the same darkness.' Without the 'was' the sentence makes no sense. A valid change could also be 'I woke up, and greeted the same darkness,' though this changes the meaning of the whole sentence.
Another example is 'I put and rubbed my cheek using one of my hoof.' I put what? The sentence doesn't make sense because you left out what you put. Did you put something down? Then you need to add that to the sentence.
Also, hoof should be plural, because, while you're only using one, you're referring to them as a pair. Hooves.
It's just a personal gripe, so feel free to ignore it, but first person, to me, is a style suited for inner monologues, close emotions, witty gripes and that sort of thing. It's intended for getting close to a single character, and making sure the reader follows their train of thought closely.
Prose is basically just description. It's when you make descriptions and exposition interesting to read and advance the scene through showing the audience things happening. Instead of simply saying 'he charged his horn,' he describe the unicorn charging his horn. You describe the magic building on his head, the look on his face, the faint electricity in the air, stuff like that which adds tension and emotion to a work. It's much more interesting to read about things in depth than it is to simply have someone tell you it's happening.
I kept my mouth shut, as I didn't want to cause any more trouble with the angered unicorn?
That is correct past tense, yes. You got it right there. Really, you can write it in either tense, the main thing is that you stick to one or the other.
It's fine, everyone learns somewhere. Just keep up your studies and improving your work. I mean, English is one of the hardest languages to learn. Don't worry about mistakes, just focus on learning until everything makes sense.
(As a final note, plurals are much more difficult than simply adding an 's.' Like hoof, some words don't use an s to show more than one. The plural of hoof is hooves, because you can't have an s after an f. But you'll learn all about this in time.)
Take some goddamn pride in your work and proofread it. Everyone with an internet connection can read it, make something worth reading, goddammit! Don't just vomit onto a keyboard and say 'oh, this is okay.' Make something worth reading.
You can ignore this. I didn't realize you weren't an English speaking person when I wrote it. It was just me getting angry at you for submitting something low quality, without realizing you were trying as hard as you could.
But how am I supposed to explain if that symbol of love is made only of line?
This is the advantage of using first person. You could describe that the unicorn as a line as his cutie mark, then have your character recognize it as the symbol for love. Or you could explain that the symbol for love is a line as part of its description. Or you could simply not explain it at all and hope the audience is smart enough to catch the reference. Or you could do a million different things to make the connection between the two. As you learn, your horizons will expand.
Sorry, I don't really have any contacts. I try to keep my presence on the internet low, so I don't even have an email address.
Anyway, you can totally use Simple Past and Continuous Past together. There are subtle differences between the two, but they're similar enough that most people won't even notice the change.
Also, you shouldn't need to explain the stallion is a man. Think about it. Your character calls him her father. You describe him with male pronouns. His description should ideally be strong enough to show he's a man. You don't need to explicitly state something so obvious
(Btw, thank you so much IHLAOY for this ^^ you don't have to reply because I still remember that you posted twice in lounge) -
what on earth are u doing
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2.5, the story sucks.
Perhaps I might give good criticism if you weren't so pitifully desperate that you actually have to spam for you to get any attention.
_______________________
OMG! DOCTOR WHOOVES???? 1000000000000000!!!!!!!! Lol.
___________________
10 Great detail Grammar awesome it made since makes u want to keep reading...So...WRITE MORE PLEASE!!! XD
_______________________
10 It's pretty good
______________________
You know I've gone all out when I go through all the effort of finding a picture and running it through Tinypic and inserting it into my post and all.
A word of advice to the people above me, if you're impressed by this, go to a library, pick out a published book, and prepare to have your minds blown. Blown out of your skull. From the sheer shift in quality.
I'd give it a 1, for being in English.
Now lets move on to what you did wrong.
1. Every time a person speaks, you need to give them a new line. There is no situation where this does not apply. If they speak, they get a line. Remember it.
2. Your grammar is terrible. Most of the time it's like you simply removed a word from the sentence so it makes no sense, and other times you're just plain wrong.
3. Your tense is all over the place. Make up your mind. Does this take place in the present, and therefore use present tense, or does it take place in the past, and therefore use past tense? You can't switch between the two, it's not allowed! Pick one and stick with it!
4. I can't follow anything you've written. Again, stress brevity. The father, for example. Why is he there? He doesn't say anything useful, he doesn't reveal anything about the character, he isn't important to anything you've written, so why is he there? Why write something if it doesn't relate to anything? Give every character a reason to be in the scene, or don't write them in the scene at all.
5. Personal gripe here, but why are you using first person if you're not going to use any of the advantages it provides? Where's the character's line of thought? Where's the train of logic they follow? Why write in first person if you're just going to treat it like third person?
6. I don't like it when writers use brackets to explain things. I'm not an idiot, don't treat me like one. I know a stallion is a man, I don't need you to tell me so. I know what the symbol of love is, don't explain it. (Or do explain it, but do it in prose. Mentioning prose,)
7. Why do you not have any prose? I suppose you could be going for a Hemmingway type deal, but this just reads like you're lazy. Show, don't tell. SHOW, DO NOT TELL! DO NOT TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING! SHOW ME IT HAPPENING! Don't say, 'he charged up his horn,' show me charging his horn! Don't say 'he stroked my mane,' show me him stroking your mane! For Christ's sake, that's half the reason you would write in first person! To make that s--- easier! Show me what is happening, don't tell me it happened.
8. Take some goddamn pride in your work and proofread it. Everyone with an internet connection can read it, make something worth reading, goddammit! Don't just vomit onto a keyboard and say 'oh, this is okay.' Make something worth reading.
________________ -
Happy birthday mines 17th of January have a birthday
Puppet master12
February 6th is my birthday.(2003)
Elicia
May third
Vanilla01
October 7
cody17
January 15th.
Br0wnieBunny
19 December
It's Zane's birthday day after tomorrow
Percie
August 28th
care_bear19
^^Zane's was two days ago.
Mine is August 22nd.
Ollie is Silence
March 3. It was 2 weeks ago.
SG115
My birthday is/was March 9th :)
stargazer5660
Sade's is on August 11 .o.
sademogirl
Mine is on February 20th
Connor_4
Mine is 10th of November.
How do you know all of this?
Sphinx -
God, I forgot to celebrate Vanilla's birthday
Jan
15 : Br0wnieBunny
17 : Puppet master12
Feb
6 : Elicia
20 : Connor_4
Mar
3 : SG115
9 : stargazer5660
Apr
May
3 : Vanilla01 or Pure
June
July
Aug
11 : sademogirl
22 : Ollie is Silence
28 : care_bear19
Sep
Oct
7 : cody17
Nov
10 : Sphinx
Dec
19 : Percie -
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