id love some feed back on my writing
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 29, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: id love some feed back on my writing
-
It was not entirely uncommon for a Brightwater to see the occasional ghost. Nana Frieda - who had been the family monarch until she finally croaked last summer at the age of one-hundred and two - was a renowned medium, even in death. He had only met her once.
After Isaac’s father was shot and killed during a gambling party gone astray, his mother had moved them closer to her family. She had inherited a small house after the funeral, nestled not more than an hour's drive from Yvana’s center city. It sat deep in the countryside, in a quiet pocket of wooded hills below the mountain range.They were the first residences in nearly a decade.
They weren’t able to get an automobile down the overgrown drive. For the first week, they had to walk half a mile to get to their new house. (Which was how long it took to get someone down to clear it.) They did some of the work themselves, but had to hire out for a *lot* of the repairs. Even with the paid help, the house wasn’t habitable for weeks. The roof had three leaks that had to be repaired, the plumbing didn’t work, and there was a nasty mouse infestation, among other problems.
(Isaac’s familiar, Koda, was mouse-*like.* Not exactly a mouse, no, because mice don’t typically have tiny little horns, and Koda did. But he still looked enough like one that he’d been trapped and almost drowned, barely managing to escape a tied sack. Isaac loudly complained that the house should be condemned as a public health hazard, but his mother just repeated her bit about “good bones” and moved on.)
Nearly a month and a half later, they were finally able to move in and attempt to make a home out of the building Yvette had poured her entire life savings into. It was then they found a disturbed, rageful spirit.
See, ghosts don’t typically enjoy dozens of strangers trampling their playground, especially when they’ve become isolated and a bit of a hermit. The ghost was pissed. Nothing could be left on the counters. Door knobs had to be changed to ones with locks and keys so the b------ spirit couldn’t open and close them at all hours of the night. They were very careful about sharp objects, anything that could cause a lot of damage if thrown at someone. After they began waking to a terrible shrieking noise each dawn, Yvette broke down and posted an ad for help.
Nana Frieda, taking pity on them, responded almost immediately.
Isaac came to gather that his mother had purposefully not reached out to Nana Frieda on her own. She wasn’t exactly disowned from the family, but years ago she made a quick escape, and never looked back. If there was bad blood or some dark secret behind her fleeing, Isaac didn’t have the details. It was something his mother didn’t talk about much. At ten, he’d only heard of his uncle and cousins in passing, mentions of them were few and far between. Once or twice they received a letter from someone named *Sararosa,* but he wasn’t sure that his mother even opened them. Clearly they weren’t on speaking terms.
But Nana Frieda wasn’t in her eighties, and stuck in her old-fashioned way. She believed that families should depend on each other for help during dire times. Though, Yvette had stressed that she called on no one in specific, especially when Nana Frieda’s *help* arrived.
With her she brought his uncle, Uriah Brightwater, and his twin children, Thalia and Halcyon. They were just a year younger than Isaac, who was happy to announce he was turning ten very soon. For the annoyance she seemed to harbor for her brother, Yvette was unphased (and maybe even a bit glad for) his introduction to Isaac. Uriah was a tall man, with blond hair and olive skin; He looked a good deal like Yvette.
The ghost, who they had taken to calling Charlie, had been becoming increasingly aggressive with each passing day. It had started out mildly pestering them; now it seemed to be out for blood.
They gathered in the living room. Candles sat on every available surface, some were even grouped together on the floor in strategic places. The couches and tables were pushed against the walls to make room for a large rug to be unrolled- On it, Nana Frieda had painted a large diagram. -
“Necromancy is against the rules, Papa,” Thalia had pointed out, eyes wide. She clutched her father’s hand and looked up at him, maybe hoping he would roll the rug right back up. Isaac had an odd feeling, like maybe the candles were a bit of a fire hazard, maybe they really *were* breaking a law, Uriah shook his head.
“Your Nana Frieda has a special license,” He explained, “To help with dangerous entities.”
“Is Charlie a dangerous entity?” Isaac asked, standing as close to his mother as he could get. She was discussing something with Nana Frieda in a hushed whisper when the open window by front door slammed shut so hard that the whole frame rattled. The curtains swayed, a gust of wind blowing out a swath of candles. There shouldn’t have been any wind. A shiver ran down Isaac’s spine.
Uriah quietly went to light the candles again, face grim.
“Yes,” He said solemnly. The adults exchanged glances over their heads as Isaac’s eyes lingered on the dancing candle flames. Thalia and Hale were stuck close together across the room, just as uneasy as him.
“The children should wait outside,” Yvette suggested, but it sounded more like a question.
“Oh, let them stay,” Nana Frieda waved a hand, dismissing her worries. “They may learn something.”
“..Do you want to watch, Isaac?” His mother asked, looking down at him.
“Yes,” He answered, even though he felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck. Something else was there, he could tell, though he wasn’t sure how. He should have said no.
Yvette gave his head a quick pat, sending him to stand with his cousins, clear of the rug.
“Have you brought an object to bind him to?” Nana Frieda asked Uriah, who nodded and produced a small, black-framed mirror from his bag. It was wrapped in tissues, and when they were removed, Isaac thought he saw something moving in the background of the reflection. He looked away.
“The ghost is a man?” Yvette questioned, curious.
“A boy, more like,” The elderly woman replied, brought out an iron rune. It had two interweaving spirals, one of them a deep red color, the other plain black. The lightbulb above them crackled with the amount of energy it pulled. Everything electrical in Parallel ran on magical energy. Strong magical devices sometimes caused malfunctions, because there’s only so much ambient energy around. (Of course, Isaac didn’t understand this just yet. He wouldn’t learn about ambient magic until his entry into the Extended Education Program. Years after *that,* he learned the name of the iron rune piece Nana Frieda had. It was something she had crafted and enchanted by hand. *Nullius Vis Navitas.* It drained the anima that spirits in Parallel feed on in order to gain strength.)
“Yes, you’re being haunted by the vengeful spirit of a child,” Nana Frieda seemed almost amused, placing the rune in the center of the rug. She took the mirror from Uriah, slowly moving it around until she found what she was looking for in the reflection. “A child, but a very old spirit. The older they are, the more soulless they become.”
Isaac was glad that the mirror was pointed opposite of them. Knowing that the ghost was in the same room at all gave him chills.
Yvette and Uriah took their places, forming a triangle with the monarch.
“Group spells work best in multiples of threes,” Thalia whispered, though no one had asked. -
“Shh,” Hale shook his head. “Group spells work best with no distractions!”
“Multiples of five,” Isaac added, looking away as Thalia nodded approvingly.
“Those are good, too,” She agreed, “But better for light spells. Threes are more suited to darker-leaning magic, like.. This.”
Isaac was scandalized. “This is dark magic?!”
He had just submitted an application to Parallel’s Academy of Fine Arts. Dark magic was explicitly forbidden.
“Dark-*leaning,*” Thalia answered in a harsh whisper, eyes glancing towards the adults, who were going over the spell once more. “And Papa said Nana Frieda has a “license.”
“Please stop talking,” Hale whined, nudging his sister.
“Silence, please,” Nana Frieda said, moments later. She had lost the ghost, and started to slowly turn the mirror about the room, frowning as she didn’t immediately find what she was looking for. She finally turned it towards the three children, a frown on her face. Isaac looked at the mirror, and found he couldn’t look away. Behind him, a child about his age stood, expression dark. He wore what appeared to be a tattered burlap sack, and his face was sunken and grey- From neglect or death, Isaac wasn’t sure.
“Charlie,” Nana Frieda said, and Isaac thought he might have heard a growl. “That’s not your name, isn’t it? Why don’t you come away from the children and tell me what you’d like to be called.”
She angled the mirror down, breaking Isaac’s view. He had forgotten to breathe, and sucked in a breath as he felt something move past him. He looked at Thalia and Halcyon, who were frozen where they stood.
Nana Frieda pointed a finger at the rune, and it began to smolder to life, heat turning the black half of the iron to a burning red. The diagram on the rug sparked, slowly lighting up like a trail of gunpowder as the rune powered it from the center. On Nana Frieda’s command, Uriah and Yvette joined her in an ominous chant.
Isaac tried to follow, but their voices moved too quickly for him to keep up. He only made out a single word- *Relligo.* To tie. Or bind. Isaac’s father used it as a building base for many of his find-it charms and devices. Now, it was being used to bind the spirit to the mirror in Nana Frieda’s hand.
Their chorus of chanting was the only noise in the otherwise still room. Isaac wondered where the spirit was at. A grouping of candles sprung to life, flames shooting up until they nearly licked the ceiling. *There,* He thought, watching the amber cast of light throwing shadows against the wall. An unnatural wind snagged the curtains shut, dampening the room, it could have been dark if not for the raging candles.
Isaac sucked in a breath. He could bet that the ghost was near the end table, where the flames were the highest. It was probably trying to draw energy from them, since the *Nullius Vis Navitas* prevented it from taking any from the living souls in the room.
Nana Frieda’s voice carried louder than the rest. She stared at something Isaac could not see. But he could feel it, as the ghost was pulled into the binding circle. It shrieked, and *everyone* heard it. Loud and shrill like the cry of a dying animal. Thalia clapped her hands over her ears, and Hale squeezed his eyes shut. Isaac, who had been hearing that cry each sunrise, cringed but didn’t shy away. He was mesmerized by the binding circle.
The flames began to settle.
As the ghost hit the outer edge, a golden barrier lit up, sucking him in. Gold shined around the small figure, outlining what was invisible to the living eye. Then, when it was inside, the golden sheen glowed all around the circle, sealing the spirit inside, along with Yvetter, Uriel and Nana Frieda.
But, the spirit was weak, and getting weaker. The rest of the binding ceremony happened so quickly that Isaac must have missed it. Once the spirit was trapped firmly in the mirror, Nana Frieda nudged the iron run out of place with her foot. The golden barrier melted away entirely, and the spiral cooled.
“Way cool,” Thalia’s fear had vanished along with the strange feeling Isaac had about the house. The energy felt different now. He wondered if everyone else sensed it as well.
“Isaac,” Nana Frieda said, waving him over. He hesitated but went, nervous that he had done something wrong. But she had nothing of the sort to say, and instead held the mirror out to him. “Do you see?”
Isaac did. He nodded.
The ghost was throwing a temper tantrum from inside the mirror, in some sort of empty face. He screamed, but Isaac could not hear him this time. Then Nana Frieda offered the mirror to Yvette, asking her as well. “Do you see?”
“No,” Yvette looked up from it, frowning. “There’s nothing there.”
Not all Brightwaters saw ghosts. The ability seemed to jump generations and play hide-and-seek. Isaac, years later, would still not be sure if feeling the presence of ghosts was a gift or a curse. His mother seemed to think it was a curse, because from that point on, Isaac was very curious about his abilities indeed.
However, before he could even start honing them, he was accepted into Parallel’s top academy, where seeking out the practice of necromancy in any sort of way, was grounds for expulsion.
Like all prerogative magic, if you didn’t use it, you’d lose it. Over years, the tingly sense that he’d get when a spirit was nearby, began to fade. The more he pushed it aside, the less he felt it the next time. Eventually his ghost-sense seemed to vanish. Yvette was more than happy for this. Now maybe Nana Frieda would stop inviting her only child for an apprenticeship. -
____
this isnt the end of the story but its the longest thing ive written in a whiiiiiile.. -
I LOVE IT
-
was it easy to read, did it flow well?
-
Yes, each paragraph was so interesting that it would be hard to stop reading ^^'
-
I'd love some constructive criticism!
-
I can't think of anything, but did you mean dark-leaning or was it meant to be dark-learning?
-
dark-leaning, closer to dark magic than light magic
-
Ah, okay. That part was a little more cryptic for me
-
It could have been explained better.
-
Ok, wow. First of all: DESCRIPTIONS. Like mine, your writing is VERY descriptive. It makes the readers feel as if they’re watching the whole story unfold, and it really seems like I am. The characters are very INTERESTING, and that’s good, because they should be. I would love to participate in the making of this story, and I think it’s got a good storyline. 5/5 stars!
-
Thank you u.u
-
I didn't really like it to be honest. It's just not my type
Pages:
- 1
- 2
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
