looking for advice
- Locked due to inactivity on Jun 11, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: looking for advice
-
so a few years ago I was with the most beautiful girl I've ever met. she was perfect for me. she's hilarious, a great writer, cute as f---, shares a lot of my interests, a great artist, the most devoted and loving girl I've ever met. she was into my music, and liked cooking as much as I do, and was really honest with how she was feeling. strong. I loved her.
(next post is probably just gonna be a list of my favorite memories and plans I had with her)
but I was in a really bad place in my life at the time: with an abusive living situation, a drinking problem, major depression and constant suicidal ideation, my family falling apart, stuck in a low-paying dead end job that killed me inside, and in general not in any condition to think I had anything of value to offer to someone else.
I broke up with her a few months before my first suicide attempt. I broke up with her over a text, and I told her it was because she was unhealthily attached to me. don't get me wrong, at the time, I believed that. since then, however, I've come to realize that I was just cutting ties before I died. I realized I was never really worthy of her- there were days I'd tell her I didn't have the social energy to talk to anyone and that I was going to disappear for a few days, and I would. I left her alone very often, and she stayed devoted to me.
it really hurt her when I ended the relationship- she wanted to stay friends at first, but ended up telling me she didn't want me in her life anymore and blocking me.
I tried dating during the time we were apart. I really did, but I compared every girl I saw to her, and none of them stacked up. I had frequent dreams about her. in the first one, we made up and got back together, and I was so happy. then I woke up, and cried. since then, every dream she's been in I can vividly recall asking her if it's a dream, or if this time it's real, and every time, she tells me it's real. these dreams break my heart every time.
it's been a few years now. I just got up the nerve to message her last week and she forgave me. she told me she never wanted to stop talking to me, that the wounds had just been too fresh when she blocked me. we talk every day now, and it feels like nothing has changed. she's still hilarious, and interesting, and cute, and lovable. but now she has a boyfriend.
I want another chance with her so badly
I think I've grown a lot. I'm happy with my living situation, I have a good job, I'm mentally stable and I have healthy attachments to all of the people in my life. I never go more than a day without talking to my friends, or my family, and I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can offer something worthwhile to another person.
I feel awful. I've never even met the guy, but I'm here quietly hoping their relationship will fail because I don't think I'm gonna get along with anyone else the way I do with her. I'm happy she's back in my life and I don't want to ruin it. I don't know what I'm doing. please help. -
here's the happy memories
1. I told her once I was going to the hospital for my suicidal ideation, which was really bad at that point in time. I didn't get a chance to tell her which one I ended up at before they took my phone, but she still called me on the communal phones on the first day. I asked her how she got the number (my mom hated her and refused to tell her the number like I'd asked her to). she told me she'd just called every hospital within a certain mile radius until she found one that had my name on record
2. I remember spending entire nights just driving for miles, windows down and blasting loud music or talking about life and drinking gallon bottles of iced coffee we bought at walmart. we picked up hitchhikers pretty often, and she always warned them that I was armed when they got in the car.
3. I remember getting us both in trouble pushing her around in the cart at walmart.
4. I showed her my favorite movie and she cried at the same part I did.
5. I associate her with the feeling of hot, sticky weather. with the feeling of a thunderstorm as felt from inside an old car with a broken ac
6. diners, omelettes, crepes. I still reflexively want to ask the waiter for hot sauce every time I go to one. I know she likes it.
7. I have a folder of recipes for tiramisu cake on my computer. I don't like tiramisu, but she loves it.
8. every song she ever showed me. I never would have known billy eilish or the dead south or steam-powered giraffe without her.
9. she was my first kiss.
10. I don't have the nerve to tell her I never mentioned the bumps on my head to a doctor. she always fretted about them when she played with my hair. she asked me to get them looked at, but doctors are expensive.
11. the way she dressed was literally so cute. she wore poodle skirts and pretty blouses and dresses.
12. I still have every gift she ever gave me. I can't imagine throwing them away. she loved me so much when she gave me these things.
13. when I was with her, I felt like an old man marveling at the beauty that still radiates off his wife, no matter how old they get. I was in love with the way every situation was instantly made better by her presence. I feel like I got this feeling the most strongly from that night we had a couples date with a friend of mine and her boyfriend. my ex and I brought a lemon poppyseed bread pudding we'd found at walmart with us. I remember us all sitting on the floor around a game of cards against humanity. we all had forks and we all took our bites out of the same tin, the one the pudding had come in. I remember having a quiet conversation that just felt like love, about how the bread pudding wasn't bad, but we probably wouldn't buy it again.
14. her first birthday that we were together on, I spent a month putting her gift together. I bought her favorite fancy chocolates, an item that was a reference to a show she'd introduced me to, a pocket knife (not assisted open- it was gonna be her first knife and I didn't want her to hurt herself) a $50 starbucks gift card and a $50 walmart gift card. I gave them all to her and she told me it was the most thoughtful gift she'd ever gotten. I wanted to get her something even better the next year, but we never made it that far.
15. I made a point of remembering little details in the stories she told me. I loved buying things she mentioned casually in conversation as little surprise gifts for her. -
I'm not sure how old you are now or how old you were when all this happened, but I'd recommend taking a step back, continuing to work on yourself in the meantime and consider looking for other love interests. If you two are meant to be it'll happen, if not then there's no use pineing in the meantime. Re focus your life. It's cool to be their friend for now but it's unhealthy to obsess and will only damage whatever potential relationship you might have. Also if she does end up with her current bf in the long run it'll hurt less if you're not focused on her as much.
I know how bad it hurts though. That all really sucks. Salt in the wound for sure. I am truly happy that you are still alive though and didn't commit suicide. Just know that everything happens for a reason and that hindsight is 20/20. I be you learned a lot through your experiences and were gifted with some truly awesome memories of a wonderful person to cherish. Respect your past, value your future, and live in the current moment. Cheers I wish the best for you!
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