1. What is your age? Under 18 Years Old 18 to 24 Years Old 25 to 30 Years Old 31 to 40 Years Old 41 to 50 Years Old 51 to 60 Years Old Over 60 Years Old 2. What is your gender? Male Female 3. When you were a kid, and your mother saw you were bored or wanted to keep you busy, what did she say? "We'll make a batch of cookies!" "Let's go roll some bums!" "Go play in the street!" "Time for a quiz on the state capitals!" 4. When you were dating a girl/boy/transperson/animal companion/lamppost/marsupial in high school, and your mother didn't like them, how did she react? By sleeping with them when I wasn't looking. Having them over for dinner and "giving them another chance to make a good impression." Finding a way to blackmail them so they could never set foot in your state again. Forbidding you to see them. (Like THAT ever worked.) 5. Picture your most embarrassing childhood moment. When you are done cringing, tell me how your mom reacted. The incident is still brought up occasionally, as a lever to get you to do something, or to instill guilt. The incident is brought up frequently and riotously in a large group when your mom has had too much to drink, on the bus, or standing in line somewhere. At this point she can tell it really well. "It's okay, honey." The incident is never brought up again. It's like it never happened! "It's okay, honey. You wouldn't believe what I got stuck up there once!" The inident is never mentioned again, and you have a new appreciation of your mom as a human being. 6. It's not a fun subject, but let's talk about how you were punished as a child. My mom was pretty consistent and by-the-book, even if I didn't always agree with her or really hated the punishment. I feel like my mom was fair to the best of her ability. I would/do raise my kids the same way, if not with the same methods. It seemed like my mom enjoyed taking things away from me. She would say things like, "This hurts me more than it hurts you," and I never quite believed her. My mother used to think up really elaborate punishments, like "Dance like a monkey at mom's cocktail party," or "Dig that hole and then fill it up again." She often chortled before, during, or after the punishments. 7. You can tell a lot about a person by their sense of humor, especially where teasing or sarcasm is concerned. What was your mother's sense of humor like when you were a kid? Your mother either didn't have a sense of humor, or thought really boring things were funny, like "Family Circus," putting little hats on pets, and Billy Crystal. Your mom has an extremely biting sense of humor. You often picture her as an evil, wise-cracking overlord. When she's not turning the gun on you, she can be pretty hilarious, but it's often at others' expense. She often uses sarcasm and teasing as a weapon. You never knew how big your ass looked in your green pants until your mom helpfully pointed it out in a "funny" way. Your mother may have reduced someone or you to tears. You and your mom think that a lot of the same things are funny, and even if you don't, you know she's not a closet "Jerky Boys" fan or something. She may tease people sometimes, but she will stop if asked. You have never seen your mother reduce anyone to 8. The next series of questions involves activities your mother may enjoy. Choose the thing she does enjoy or is most likely to enjoy, based on her personality. Fnuggling fweet kitties/puppies/babies. Working hella hours and ignoring your ass. A movie club. Tentacle pr0n. 9. Choose the thing she does enjoy or is most likely to enjoy, based on her personality. Golf. Shopping. Making you feel like your ass is too big/too small/not spewing forth enough grandbabies. Gettin' teabagged. 10. Choose the thing she does enjoy or is most likely to enjoy, based on her personality. Drankin'. Taking a fun trip to a place she's always wanted to go. Instilling guilt. Scrapbooking. 11. Choose the thing she does enjoy or is most likely to enjoy, based on her personality. Joining an interest club, such as local history or Toastmasters. Trying something new, like spelunking. Gathering signatures to get that "filthy Garrison Keillor" off the air, Firebombing the Toastmasters or Garrison Keillor. 12. Finally, why did your mother name you what she did? It was popular, had a good ring, or she "just liked it. I dunno." After considering it carefully, she thought it was the best name for you. After a relative she owed a lot of money to. Sorry, Hubert. On a whim, or perhaps after a vision brought about by an acid trip.