junos moth cavern
Thread Topic: junos moth cavern
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you can break an angel's fall, and ignore the devil's call
still, forsaken shoulders fall silent now
it's no more than cultural, you and me, inseparable
it's a small world, after all
man no more than animal, is made of moral chemicals
any form mechanical, thank you, god
from hordes of cannibals(?), to psych wards of hospitals
it's a small world, after all -
ignore ^ that ,,,, i was trying to see if i could recite the background lyrics to laplace's angel ,, i think i succeeded ??
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yk i might sound insane but i have to collect my thoughts on this thing. i have realized recently that i want a boyfriend, but only in the same way i want like.. a dog. like, it sounds cool in theory, but the idea of having a man in my house like it owns the f---ing place and having to look after it truly disgusts me. also i don't even like dogs
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to lose the dog motif for a moment, im like. legitimately not even sure i'm into men!! i like plenty of fictional and animated ones, but never like. Actual Dudes. fictional guys are perfect and wouldn't ever do me wrong cause they're not real, but actual guys oftentimes just like.... really gross me out and sometimes just the thought of being with them makes me feel really odd for some reason
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it confuses me because i know if i was a real man, i'd be attracted to other guys no problem, but i guess as what i am, i just like... can't?? it almost feels wrong to even think about dating a guy (or anyone tbh but that's something for another time) and sometimes i cant even stand to look at men because of just how jealous i am of everything they have. so i guess i just know i would not be a good partner or something ? idk man i cant say what im thinking without sounding really terrible
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i couldn't be anyone's partner because of how jealous i am of literally everyone though, so... i guess maybe its a good thing i can't date . and i know my jealousy and envy is like a really terrible thing and i don't want it at all, but i still cant seem to shake it !! it wont ever leave me alone no matter how hard i try not to think about it, like i'll look at some random dude and just get so f---ing mad because they're a man and i'm not. i'll look at a random woman and get mad that they're seemingly happy and comfortable with the way they were born, and i'm not. i'll look at any other random transgender individual and get mad that they were able to transition and get what they wanted, and not me!!!!
i'm just filled with vitriol and hatred for gender altogether but like!! i know this is a terrible way of thinking, and im TRYING to get it to stop but i cant , there's nothing else i can do but i guess feel shame and try to be as subtle with my attempts to be masculine as possible so i can hopefully just stop it -
i know i cant transition and likely never will be able to and will die a woman, but even if i was able to do so, i probably wouldn't even be happy then. i could look as masculine as any person physically could, and still would find a way to be jealous of any cis man walking down the f---ing street . and god screw this i need to take a shower
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moral of the story is umm uh all men are out to get me because im not one of them and i am also losing my f---ing mind
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yea ok I feel a little better after the shower I think. I forgot that having dirty hair makes me freak the f--- out. ignore everything I typed up there
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in fact im just gonna blank post to the next page
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