Do You Have Biblical Morals?

It is often said that morality comes from the bible, or that it contains parables about morality that should guide us today. But do you really understand the moral precepts of this Bronze Age book? Have you read the bible cover to cover and actually thought about the contents?

If not, it might be time to open the bible and look. To help motivate you, I've prepared this quiz so that you can see if your morals are in line with those in the bible. Enjoy!

Created by: Jim Pyle of Resident Heretic
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Under 18 Years Old
18 to 24 Years Old
25 to 30 Years Old
31 to 40 Years Old
41 to 50 Years Old
51 to 60 Years Old
Over 60 Years Old
What is your gender?
Male
Female
1. Two strangers visit your home, and you are kind enough to provide them with accommodations for the night. They tell you they are angels appearing on behalf of the Lord. However, later in the evening, an angry mob turns up seeking to sodomize your guests. Do you:
Protect your guests and call the police.
Expel your guests and call the police.
Turn your young daughters over to the crowd to be sexually assaulted.
2. Your elementary school child discovers that she can get your attention by using profanity. In a fit of rage, she directs a stream of profanity at you that would make a sailor blush. Do you:
Send her to her room to cool down, take a deep breath and carefully assess the situation, and work out your differences when cooler heads prevail.
Explain to her that profanity is never appropriate, and take away television for a week.
Put her to death.
3. If you buy a Hebrew servant, how many years must he serve?
None. Slavery is inherently wrong.
Forever. I paid good money for that slave.
Six years.
4. If, during the tenure of your slave, you provide him with a wife who bears his children, what happens to the wife and children after the slave has served his term?
The wife and children go free as well, as it is important to keep families together.
If the wife and children have served their term, they go free as well. If not, they have to serve the remainder of their term.
Nothing. You still own the wife and children.
5. If you sell your daughter as a servant, how many years must she serve?
None, but you should be put in prison.
Six years.
For as long as her new master feeds and clothes her.
6. Which is the worst?
Slavery.
Rape.
A lobster dinner with a shrimp cocktail appetizer.
7. Your next-door neighbor is a nurse that works weekends in the emergency room of the local hospital so that she can care for her children during the week while her husband is at work. When you notice that she works every Sunday, should you:
Commend her on her work ethic and sacrifice of her weekends so that she can better care for her children.
Remind her that Sunday is a day of rest.
Put her to death.
8. Your son has a nasty skin disease forming. You fear it is spreading. Should you:
Immediately take him to the emergency room.
Arrange for an appointment at a dermatologist.
Take him to a priest and have the priest slaughter a bird and sprinkle its blood on him.
9. You are with your family at the county fair, and you notice a fortune telling booth. Should you:
On a lark, have the fortuneteller tell you your fortune.
Explain to your children about the technique of “cold reading” (speaking in generalizations until the subject gives some feedback, and then run with it.)
Stone the medium to death on the spot.
10. A gay couple buys the dilapidated home next door and remodels it. When they move in, should you:
Bring them a nice housewarming gift.
Invite the Westboro Baptist church over to “welcome” them to the neighborhood.
Put them to death.
11. You are at a toga party with your wife, and you have a bit too much to drink. You start arguing with another guest, and the argument comes to blows. Your opponent knocks you to the ground, jumps on top of you, and continues beating you senseless. Your wife comes to your aid, grabs your opponent by the testicles, and pulls him off of you. Should you:
Apologize to your wife for getting so drunk and thank her for saving your sorry ass.
Ask her to stay out next time, as you had the guy right where you wanted him.
Cut off her hand and show her no pity.
12. What is the best way to curry favor with the Lord?
By treating all people, including atheists, with kindness and courtesy.
By learning and accommodating the culture and customs of other people.
By ritualistically slaughtering animals and burning the parts.

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