The Magical American History Tour

Many people--Americans, specifically--think they know a lot about American History, but when it comes down to it, they actually know surprisingly little. This is a problem that plagues America's youth today and needs to be remedied!

HOW can we remedy this? Well, first off, test YOURSELF, and see how much YOU know about American History. Then you will be able to gauge whether or not you have to do a little bit more homework, or go spread your wealth of knowledge of American History to our confused and uniformed young people!

Created by: Michael Kneeland

What is your age?
Under 18 Years Old
18 to 24 Years Old
25 to 30 Years Old
31 to 40 Years Old
41 to 50 Years Old
51 to 60 Years Old
Over 60 Years Old
What is your gender?
Male
Female
1. The first settlers to the Americas were...
Vikings from SCANDINAVIA
Pirates from ENGLAND (Arrr!)
Settlers from ASIA
Ninja Warriors from FEUDAL JAPAN
2. Christopher Columbus sailed to the Americas to...
Make Spain look good.
Discover a new source of slaves.
Become rich by establishing a faster trading route to India.
Become rich by selling Native American women in sexual slavery.
3. Christopher Columbus died...
In poverty, like the noble yet humble hero that America hails him to be.
As rich as the day is long.
Of syphilis, like all great heroes of the time period.
Christopher Columbus never died. He found the Fountain of Youth and now lives in a retirement community in Bonita Springs, Florida.
4. The Pilgrims sailed to America to...
Escape religious persecution.
Bring their keen fashion sense to the Native Americans (tall hats with buckles are sexy).
Found a new colony in the name of Great Britain.
Open an historical attraction to service families for centuries to come.
5. The French and Indian War was fought between...
The French vs. The Indians.
The French and Indians vs. the British.
The French and British vs. the Indians.
France vs. India.
6. Before the Americans called the settlement on Manhattan Island "New York," it was called:
New Amsterdam, by the damn Dutch (alliteration is FUN)
Albany, by the fickle residents of the future state of New York.
The place we used to call home but were inexplicably forced out of by the filthy, disease-ridden colonists, by the Lenape people.
Both (1) and (3)
Both (2) and (3)
7. The Boston Massacre occurred when...
The British fought down an angry mob of American civilians.
Sam Adams opened a brewery.
An angry mob of American civilians sent the British packing.
The Yankees beat the Red Sox in the World Series.
8. The Boston Tea Party took place because...
The American colonists wanted to revolt against the Taxman.
The American colonists wanted to play dress-up and Sam Adams caused things to get out of hand....
The American colonists hated tea; the preferred coffee because it was more rugged, like THEM!
Nobody like them there durn injuns.
9. George Washington was...
A knowledgeable and successful military man.
A proficient chopper of cherry trees.
The first spokesman for Dr Smith's Wooden Dentures (TM).
Absolutely positively NONE of the above.
10. The American colonists were able to defeat the British in the Revolutionary War because...
Of their mad guerilla skills.
Of their plentiful supplies of state-of-the-art equipment.
Of Mel Gibson and his mad tomahawk skills.
Of the Ninjas who came over from Japan and tore the British to pieces with their mad Ninja skills.
11. The Constitution was developed by:
Thomas Jefferson and nobody else--he single-handedly founded America (Founding Fathers? SHMOUNDING Fathers!)
King George III because he was feeling a little mad one day....
A select group of aging privelaged white guys with very bad taste in wigs ("Chalk-dust white"? YECH!)
Nobody; the Constitution is a great Creation Myth old people like to tell to gullible youngsters.
12. Thomas Jefferson was:
A Founding Father [of the United States].
A Fouding Father [of public American education].
A Founding Father [of many illegitimate children].
All of the above--he was JFK's role model.
None of the above--he was Ronald Reagan's role model.
13. Benjamin Franklin:
Invented electricity.
Was a raving drunk.
Became rich off useless sayings and proverbs.
Was one of the only Founding Fathers to boldly throw off his wig.
14. The original White House was burned down by:
Terrorists, in 1814, in retalliation for America's past sins.
John Adams, in 1800, after a particularly swinging masquerade ball.
The French, in 1802, because Napoleon liked to burn things.
Martha Wayles Skelton (Jefferson' wife) after she found out about Sally Hemings.
15. Before he became one of the most successful wartime presidents in the history of the US, Abraham Lincoln was:
A successful US Senator with several consecutive terms in office.
A staunch opponent of the Mexican-American War, and a pacifist in general.
A wealthy land-owner and successful industrialist.
A steadfast supporter of John Brown and the Funky Bunch (aka, "Abolitionists").
16. The Civil War began because:
Abraham Lincoln sent Jefferson Davis a nasty letter.
Jefferson Davis sent Mary Todd an extramarital love letter (Ewww!).
The South was EVIL because they believed that slavery should be legal.
Some politicians in the South objected to Big Brother taking control of their liberties.
17. The Confederate Army was successful because:
Robert E. Lee was a freaking genius.
The South was equipped with mad military gear and bad accents.
The Union generals were almost all moronic buffoons.
Stonewall Jackson prayed every 5 minutes.
Both (1) and (3).
Both (1) and (4).
18. The Draft Riots in NYC occurred mainly because:
New Yorkers were pissed about being forced to fight in a war they didn't believe in--and everyone knows you don't piss off a New Yorker, let alone ALL OF THEM.
New Yorkers didn't want to be controlled by any government other than the corrupt one that ran their city.
New Yorkers were just plain in the mood for a good two-day riot.
Martin Scorcese needed a climax to his film.
19. Choose the most successful Union Military Officer from the following list:
George McLellan
Ambrose Burnside
Joshua Chamberlain
George Custer (Ha, ha, ha...okay, that was a freebie!)
20. The South ultimately lost the Civil War because:
Jude Law deserted the Confederate Army.
William T. Sherman was a merciless and terrorizing militant.
The South was EVIL, and EVIL PEOPLE always lose.
The Southern Irishmen needed something else to complain about.
21. The KKK was founded by:
Southern Irishmen who had too much to complain about.
A great hero of the War of Northern Aggression.
Some drunken fraternity brothers from Georgia Tech.
David Duke, the immortal Devil Incarnate.
22. The Statue of Liberty was given to America by:
Our friends, the Indians (Please accept this gift for taking away our land, giving us syphilis, and teaching us how to be alcoholics).
Our friends, the French (Vive la liberte!).
The stinking pranksters, the British (He! He! Let's watch it turn from a regal copper to puke green! I say, good show, my good man!).
Ken Burns.
23. George Custer was the biggest moron of all time because:
He graduated LAST in his class at West Point.
He was demoted after the Civil War and still went on to make risky, ill-informed military maneuvers.
He idiotically (and, it should be added, arrogantly) attacked an army of Lakota warriors that was four times as large as his own regiment.
Embarrassingly, all of the above (Ha, ha--that's TWO George Custer freebies!).
24. America entered World War I...
Because it was time to repay our debt to our friends, the French.
Because helping bring an end to global conflict is just the right thing to do.
Because everybody else was doing it, and America felt left out.
Only after it was attacked.
25. President Woodrow Wilson felt that Helen Keller...
Was a cute blind girl with an amazing story to tell.
Was the noble leader of a righteous cause.
Was an anarchical speaker who needed to be shipped out of the country before she got anybody's attention.
Needed to be taught how to pump water.
26. The Great Depression...
Was retribution for America's lascivous lifestyle during the Roaring 20s.
Gave Steinbeck, Falkner, and Lee something to write about.
Gave Irishmen (both Northern and Southern) something else to complain about.
All of the above--it was a FUN time to be alive (wink, wink).
None of the above--it really WAS a fun time to be alive (no winks necessary).
27. America entered World War II...
Because it really WAS time to repay our debt to our friends, the French.
Because helping bring an end to global conflict really IS the right thing to do, and President Roosevelt II saw this.
Because everybody else was doing it, and America felt left out (again).
Only after it was attacked (again).
28. At first, the majority of Americans thought that Hitler...
Was just some laughable nut who had the guts to say the things they were all thinking in the darkest corners of their minds.
Was the epitome of evil.
Was a gangster (just like Al Capone!).
Was Charlie Chaplin.
29. Choose the phrase that best describes Charles Lindbergh:
A devout communist.
A devout Irish-Catholic.
An anti-semitic Nazi sympathizer who believed deeply in eugenics and accepted an award from the Nazis.
A piss-poor pilot (See? Alliteration really IS fun!).
30. America helped bring an end to World War II by:
Fighting the good fight, the good old American way!
Dropping the A-Bomb on two large Japanese cities, thereby scaring the bejeezus out of every other human on the face of the planet.
Electing Eleanor Roosevelt as president.
Making Hitler listen to a modern and Jewish-sympathetic interpretation of The Merchant of Venice.
31. The Cold War began:
When Americans first read Animal Farm.
When Joseph McCarthy accused Shirley Temple of being a filthy commie.
Because the USSR's communist ideologies clashed dramatically with America's capitalist ideologies.
When Harry Truman threw a coconut cream pie into Stalin's face.
Probably (1) and (3)
Probably all of the above.
32. The Cuban Missile Crisis occurred because:
An American U-2 spy plane invaded Cuban airspace and took pictures of what could possibly have been missile bases being built.
JFK authorized a six-man CIA team to blow up an industrial plant and kill 400 Cuban workers.
Too many American retirees were vacationing in Cuba.
Fidel Castro has major cajones.
33. America entered the Vietnam War...
To FINALLY repay our debt to our friends, the French.
To stop the spread of filthy communism! Yay capitalism!
To kill innocent Vietnamese civilians and send the news footage home to bring in BIG ratings.
Because America's counter-culture needed something to protest.
34. The British Invasion was:
A failed plan concocted by Queen Elizabeth II to reclaim the 13 colonies.
A bunch of goofy-looking British boys regurgitating into American ears the music they had stolen from black Americans.
John Lennon's plan to brainwash America's youth into believing that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus.
The mass exodus of poor Brits to America in order to seek out a prosperous new life under the Old Glory.
35. Martin Luther King, Jr was on the FBI "Watch List" because:
He had a dream.
He made people think.
He actually stood up and fought for his rights.
Sadly, all of the above.
Happily, none of the above.
36. Choose the phrase from the following list that LEAST describes Richard Nixon.
Republican through-and-through.
Big-nosed.
Psychotic, neurotic, pig-headed politician.
100% honest with his country.
37. The US tried to prevent John Lennon from becoming a US citizen because:
He believed the Beatles were bigger than Jesus Christ.
J. Edgar Hoover and Richard Nixon saw him as an influential bad seed.
Elivs Presley claimed "he ain't nothing but a hound dog, barking all the time."
His song, "Imagine," proved that he was a stinking commie!
38. John Lennon was murdered by which of the following Americans:
Charles Manson, a nut who thought the Beatles' song, "Helter Skelter," told him to murder people.
Phil Spector, a nut posing as a successful record producer (and who carried a gun around with him at all times and occasionally fired it in the studio with Lennon around).
Mark David Chapman, a nut who thought he was Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye, whose duty is was to rid the world of phonies.
Richard Nixon, a nut posing as the President of the United States of America.
39. The Berlin Wall came down because:
David Hasselhoff became a popular musician in Germany.
Ich bin eine berliner.
Soviet power was crumbling, just as Orwell prophesized it would....
Gorbechev listened to Pink Floyd's The Wall and became frightened.
40. The US invaded Iraq (the FIRST time, in 1991) because:
Saddam Hussein and his regime posed a military threat to Kuwait and other areas of the Middle East (but really, oil).
Saddam Hussein and his regime were guilty of committing countless human rights violations (but really, oil).
Saddam Hussein and his regime were suspected of possessing chemical weapons (but really, oil).
Saddam Hussein and his regime were suspected of trying to build atomic weapons (but really, oil).
All of the above (but really--I MEAN IT!--oil).
None of the above (oil ain't got nothing to with it!).

What is your age?

Under 18 Years Old

18 to 24 Years Old

25 to 30 Years Old

31 to 40 Years Old

41 to 50 Years Old

51 to 60 Years Old

Over 60 Years Old

What is your gender?

Male

Female

1. The first settlers to the Americas were...

Vikings from SCANDINAVIA

Pirates from ENGLAND (Arrr!)

Settlers from ASIA

Ninja Warriors from FEUDAL JAPAN

2. Christopher Columbus sailed to the Americas to...

Make Spain look good.

Discover a new source of slaves.

Become rich by establishing a faster trading route to India.

Become rich by selling Native American women in sexual slavery.

3. Christopher Columbus died...

In poverty, like the noble yet humble hero that America hails him to be.

As rich as the day is long.

Of syphilis, like all great heroes of the time period.

Christopher Columbus never died. He found the Fountain of Youth and now lives in a retirement community in Bonita Springs, Florida.

4. The Pilgrims sailed to America to...

Escape religious persecution.

Bring their keen fashion sense to the Native Americans (tall hats with buckles are sexy).

Found a new colony in the name of Great Britain.

Open an historical attraction to service families for centuries to come.

5. The French and Indian War was fought between...

The French vs. The Indians.

The French and Indians vs. the British.

The French and British vs. the Indians.

France vs. India.

6. Before the Americans called the settlement on Manhattan Island "New York," it was called:

New Amsterdam, by the damn Dutch (alliteration is FUN)

Albany, by the fickle residents of the future state of New York.

The place we used to call home but were inexplicably forced out of by the filthy, disease-ridden colonists, by the Lenape people.

Both (1) and (3)

Both (2) and (3)

7. The Boston Massacre occurred when...

The British fought down an angry mob of American civilians.

Sam Adams opened a brewery.

An angry mob of American civilians sent the British packing.

The Yankees beat the Red Sox in the World Series.

8. The Boston Tea Party took place because...

The American colonists wanted to revolt against the Taxman.

The American colonists wanted to play dress-up and Sam Adams caused things to get out of hand....

The American colonists hated tea; the preferred coffee because it was more rugged, like THEM!

Nobody like them there durn injuns.

9. George Washington was...

A knowledgeable and successful military man.

A proficient chopper of cherry trees.

The first spokesman for Dr Smith's Wooden Dentures (TM).

Absolutely positively NONE of the above.

10. The American colonists were able to defeat the British in the Revolutionary War because...

Of their mad guerilla skills.

Of their plentiful supplies of state-of-the-art equipment.

Of Mel Gibson and his mad tomahawk skills.

Of the Ninjas who came over from Japan and tore the British to pieces with their mad Ninja skills.

11. The Constitution was developed by:

Thomas Jefferson and nobody else--he single-handedly founded America (Founding Fathers? SHMOUNDING Fathers!)

King George III because he was feeling a little mad one day....

A select group of aging privelaged white guys with very bad taste in wigs ("Chalk-dust white"? YECH!)

Nobody; the Constitution is a great Creation Myth old people like to tell to gullible youngsters.

12. Thomas Jefferson was:

A Founding Father [of the United States].

A Fouding Father [of public American education].

A Founding Father [of many illegitimate children].

All of the above--he was JFK's role model.

None of the above--he was Ronald Reagan's role model.

13. Benjamin Franklin:

Invented electricity.

Was a raving drunk.

Became rich off useless sayings and proverbs.

Was one of the only Founding Fathers to boldly throw off his wig.

14. The original White House was burned down by:

Terrorists, in 1814, in retalliation for America's past sins.

John Adams, in 1800, after a particularly swinging masquerade ball.

The French, in 1802, because Napoleon liked to burn things.

Martha Wayles Skelton (Jefferson' wife) after she found out about Sally Hemings.

15. Before he became one of the most successful wartime presidents in the history of the US, Abraham Lincoln was:

A successful US Senator with several consecutive terms in office.

A staunch opponent of the Mexican-American War, and a pacifist in general.

A wealthy land-owner and successful industrialist.

A steadfast supporter of John Brown and the Funky Bunch (aka, "Abolitionists").

16. The Civil War began because:

Abraham Lincoln sent Jefferson Davis a nasty letter.

Jefferson Davis sent Mary Todd an extramarital love letter (Ewww!).

The South was EVIL because they believed that slavery should be legal.

Some politicians in the South objected to Big Brother taking control of their liberties.

17. The Confederate Army was successful because:

Robert E. Lee was a freaking genius.

The South was equipped with mad military gear and bad accents.

The Union generals were almost all moronic buffoons.

Stonewall Jackson prayed every 5 minutes.

Both (1) and (3).

Both (1) and (4).

18. The Draft Riots in NYC occurred mainly because:

New Yorkers were pissed about being forced to fight in a war they didn't believe in--and everyone knows you don't piss off a New Yorker, let alone ALL OF THEM.

New Yorkers didn't want to be controlled by any government other than the corrupt one that ran their city.

New Yorkers were just plain in the mood for a good two-day riot.

Martin Scorcese needed a climax to his film.

19. Choose the most successful Union Military Officer from the following list:

George McLellan

Ambrose Burnside

Joshua Chamberlain

George Custer (Ha, ha, ha...okay, that was a freebie!)

20. The South ultimately lost the Civil War because:

Jude Law deserted the Confederate Army.

William T. Sherman was a merciless and terrorizing militant.

The South was EVIL, and EVIL PEOPLE always lose.

The Southern Irishmen needed something else to complain about.

21. The KKK was founded by:

Southern Irishmen who had too much to complain about.

A great hero of the War of Northern Aggression.

Some drunken fraternity brothers from Georgia Tech.

David Duke, the immortal Devil Incarnate.

22. The Statue of Liberty was given to America by:

Our friends, the Indians (Please accept this gift for taking away our land, giving us syphilis, and teaching us how to be alcoholics).

Our friends, the French (Vive la liberte!).

The stinking pranksters, the British (He! He! Let's watch it turn from a regal copper to puke green! I say, good show, my good man!).

Ken Burns.

23. George Custer was the biggest moron of all time because:

He graduated LAST in his class at West Point.

He was demoted after the Civil War and still went on to make risky, ill-informed military maneuvers.

He idiotically (and, it should be added, arrogantly) attacked an army of Lakota warriors that was four times as large as his own regiment.

Embarrassingly, all of the above (Ha, ha--that's TWO George Custer freebies!).

24. America entered World War I...

Because it was time to repay our debt to our friends, the French.

Because helping bring an end to global conflict is just the right thing to do.

Because everybody else was doing it, and America felt left out.

Only after it was attacked.

25. President Woodrow Wilson felt that Helen Keller...

Was a cute blind girl with an amazing story to tell.

Was the noble leader of a righteous cause.

Was an anarchical speaker who needed to be shipped out of the country before she got anybody's attention.

Needed to be taught how to pump water.

26. The Great Depression...

Was retribution for America's lascivous lifestyle during the Roaring 20s.

Gave Steinbeck, Falkner, and Lee something to write about.

Gave Irishmen (both Northern and Southern) something else to complain about.

All of the above--it was a FUN time to be alive (wink, wink).

None of the above--it really WAS a fun time to be alive (no winks necessary).

27. America entered World War II...

Because it really WAS time to repay our debt to our friends, the French.

Because helping bring an end to global conflict really IS the right thing to do, and President Roosevelt II saw this.

Because everybody else was doing it, and America felt left out (again).

Only after it was attacked (again).

28. At first, the majority of Americans thought that Hitler...

Was just some laughable nut who had the guts to say the things they were all thinking in the darkest corners of their minds.

Was the epitome of evil.

Was a gangster (just like Al Capone!).

Was Charlie Chaplin.

29. Choose the phrase that best describes Charles Lindbergh:

A devout communist.

A devout Irish-Catholic.

An anti-semitic Nazi sympathizer who believed deeply in eugenics and accepted an award from the Nazis.

A piss-poor pilot (See? Alliteration really IS fun!).

30. America helped bring an end to World War II by:

Fighting the good fight, the good old American way!

Dropping the A-Bomb on two large Japanese cities, thereby scaring the bejeezus out of every other human on the face of the planet.

Electing Eleanor Roosevelt as president.

Making Hitler listen to a modern and Jewish-sympathetic interpretation of The Merchant of Venice.

31. The Cold War began:

When Americans first read Animal Farm.

When Joseph McCarthy accused Shirley Temple of being a filthy commie.

Because the USSR's communist ideologies clashed dramatically with America's capitalist ideologies.

When Harry Truman threw a coconut cream pie into Stalin's face.

Probably (1) and (3)

Probably all of the above.

32. The Cuban Missile Crisis occurred because:

An American U-2 spy plane invaded Cuban airspace and took pictures of what could possibly have been missile bases being built.

JFK authorized a six-man CIA team to blow up an industrial plant and kill 400 Cuban workers.

Too many American retirees were vacationing in Cuba.

Fidel Castro has major cajones.

33. America entered the Vietnam War...

To FINALLY repay our debt to our friends, the French.

To stop the spread of filthy communism! Yay capitalism!

To kill innocent Vietnamese civilians and send the news footage home to bring in BIG ratings.

Because America's counter-culture needed something to protest.

34. The British Invasion was:

A failed plan concocted by Queen Elizabeth II to reclaim the 13 colonies.

A bunch of goofy-looking British boys regurgitating into American ears the music they had stolen from black Americans.

John Lennon's plan to brainwash America's youth into believing that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus.

The mass exodus of poor Brits to America in order to seek out a prosperous new life under the Old Glory.

35. Martin Luther King, Jr was on the FBI "Watch List" because:

He had a dream.

He made people think.

He actually stood up and fought for his rights.

Sadly, all of the above.

Happily, none of the above.

36. Choose the phrase from the following list that LEAST describes Richard Nixon.

Republican through-and-through.

Big-nosed.

Psychotic, neurotic, pig-headed politician.

100% honest with his country.

37. The US tried to prevent John Lennon from becoming a US citizen because:

He believed the Beatles were bigger than Jesus Christ.

J. Edgar Hoover and Richard Nixon saw him as an influential bad seed.

Elivs Presley claimed "he ain't nothing but a hound dog, barking all the time."

His song, "Imagine," proved that he was a stinking commie!

38. John Lennon was murdered by which of the following Americans:

Charles Manson, a nut who thought the Beatles' song, "Helter Skelter," told him to murder people.

Phil Spector, a nut posing as a successful record producer (and who carried a gun around with him at all times and occasionally fired it in the studio with Lennon around).

Mark David Chapman, a nut who thought he was Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye, whose duty is was to rid the world of phonies.

Richard Nixon, a nut posing as the President of the United States of America.

39. The Berlin Wall came down because:

David Hasselhoff became a popular musician in Germany.

Ich bin eine berliner.

Soviet power was crumbling, just as Orwell prophesized it would....

Gorbechev listened to Pink Floyd's The Wall and became frightened.

40. The US invaded Iraq (the FIRST time, in 1991) because:

Saddam Hussein and his regime posed a military threat to Kuwait and other areas of the Middle East (but really, oil).

Saddam Hussein and his regime were guilty of committing countless human rights violations (but really, oil).

Saddam Hussein and his regime were suspected of possessing chemical weapons (but really, oil).

Saddam Hussein and his regime were suspected of trying to build atomic weapons (but really, oil).

All of the above (but really--I MEAN IT!--oil).

None of the above (oil ain't got nothing to with it!).

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The Magical American History Tour

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