The "Is It Time To Get Out of Korea?" Quiz

You went to the mystic orient because it sounded exotic, it sounded adventurous, and it sounded fun. You have stayed longer than you initially planned. Now you hear yourself saying things you never thought possible. You find yourself agreeing with idiots. They are all around you and you are starting to be like them

Quick! take the quiz and determine if it is time for you to cash in and check out. Quick!Quick!Quick! (Bali! Bali! Bali! Bali!)Quick!Quick!Quick! (Bali! Bali! Bali! Bali!)Quick!Quick!Quick! (Bali! Bali! Bali! Bali!)

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1. What is your age?
Under 18 Years Old
18 to 24 Years Old
25 to 30 Years Old
31 to 40 Years Old
41 to 50 Years Old
51 to 60 Years Old
Over 60 Years Old
2. What is your gender?
Male
Female
3. The statement "Korea has four distinct season" causes you to react by:
getting misty eyed and nostalgic while gazing at the distant horizon in slack-jawed wonder at the good fortune of South Korea
getting misty eyed and nostalgic while gazing north in slack-jawed befuddlement because you wonder if the North has an equal number of seasons.
informing the speaker that your home country has six and a half distinct seasons, so your country wins.
wondering what an "indistinct" season would be like
pointing out that South Africa, and Norway, and Japan, and Australia, and Uzbekistan, and Morocco have four distinct seasons too!
displaying a beatific expression of open-armed warmth because, after all, the family of man has room for Koreans too.
4. 1. When informed by a wise and mystic Korean that you must understand the "unique situation" you react by:
nodding quietly in agreement because you know that the situation really is unique, and deep down you will never understand
tearfully wondering if the northern brothers have unique situations too
laughing
giving a dozen examples of "more unique" situations in your home nation
giggling like a school girl because you have never confronted so many degrees of uniqueness
immediately look for the money-making angle in this uniqueness
5. Your Korean girlfriend will not hold hands with you in public; however she regularly urinates in the shrubbery with you. This makes you
Marvel at the wonderfully quaint traditions in Korean culture and the delightful way Korean femininity is promoted
Wonder if girls in the north have shrubs to urinate in to , or if they have already eaten all the shrubbery
Point out that shrubbery in your home country is bigger and better
Wonder what impact a couple of bottles of soju would have on her penchant for shrubbery
Attempt to use linear logic to point out the absurdity of the situation
Smile because you know her uriniferous predilections are a result of 5,000 years of inbreeding.
6. A most gorgeous Korean woman is ahead of you. In one fell swoop she gathers her slinky designer dress to one side, drops to her haunches, wraps her arms around her knees, hoicks up an enormous glob phlegm, and commences waiting on a bus. You:
Note the need for more covered waiting areas at Korean bus stops (preferably with spittoons)
Become indignant at her insensitivity -- a family of five North Koreans could make a meal out of that wasted phlegm.
Become indignant because in your country spitting in public carries a fine
Admire her strong farm-girl thighs and the way 5,000 years of rice planting makes squatting look so graceful
Quickly pounce on any foreigner who makes any observations about the situation.
Admire the various shades of green in her phlegm and think of the money-making potential
7. Encountering countless pools of pink vomit on the sidewalk early in the morning makes you;
Marvel at the miracle on the Han and all its social ramifications
Wonder if the puke up north is just as pink and if the pools are as well-formed.
Point out that people in your home nation don't barf on the sidewalk -- but if they did there would be a cleaning crew to clean it up before the morning rush hour.
Wonder if it took all 5,000 of the years to perfect such pinkness, such roundness...
Feel the need to find the nearest Korean and scold them for such unseemly behavior
Step around the pools of pride and get to that next appointment to ensure the paychecks keep flowing in
8. When your Korean acquaintances get maudlin over Cheonggyechon you react by:
Agreeing that there isn't any other resurrected streamlet in any other national capital in any other country on any continent that invokes quite as much teary-eyed nostalgia
Wondering if it is justifiable to put effort in to resurrecting a dead streamlet while the peninsula is divided.
Pointing out that either your country resurrected a bigger stream, or your country doesn't kill streams to begin with
Pointing out that even now 67% of Seoul's sewage is dumped (raw) in to the Han River, and the water running through Cheonggyechon is actually pumped up from the Han
Laughing, dancing and giggling at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Laughing, dancing and giggling at the additional revenue streams this might create
9. When fresh-off-the-turnip-truck native English teachers fervently recite everything their students have taught them and insist that it is true, you:
Listen to the wisdom, acknowledge their insightfulness, and agree with whatever they say.
Wonder why the green English teacher hasn't started feeling the inner pain of a divided peninsula
Show them that you know more about the situation by responding only in Korean.
Ask them if they have any really good materials for generating responsive conversations with pre-schoolers
Ask them if they get to wear name badges at their English institute, and if the institute pays for those badges
Nod and smile, check the time, and excuse yourself to go make more money
10. The threat of sudden fan death makes you;
Listen intently to what the Koreans say because, after 5,000 years, they certainly know about sudden fan death.
Wonder if the northern half of the peninsula is aware of this heinous threat... and makes you wonder if they even have fans
Ask why Korean appliance manufacturers aren't required by law to place warning stickers on each and every fan they produce
Wonder why air conditioners aren't an issue
Spend hours trying to persuade Koreans how illogical the concept is and much better off they would be if they saw the fallacy in the silly theory
chuckle
11. The McCune-Reischauer system was formerly used for Romanizing Korean. The new Ministry of Education system makes you;
Proud that Korea finally generated a home-grown Romanization system!
Wonder why the North Koreans don't buy in and if they realize this drives the wedge deeper between the two Koreas... no wait... There's only one Korea -- foreign powers ripped them apart.
Admit that the new Ministry of Education system is a lot better for creating Konglish.
If President No wants Ghorleah to Romanize in a distinctly Ghorleahn style -- more power to him.
Spend hours showing the nearest Mr. Kim how superior the McCune-Reischauer system was with numerous examples
Kangnam, Gangnam, Ggangnam... Who cares? As long as the money keeps flowing in, they can do what they want.
12. The statement one pyong equals 3.3 square meters makes you:
Proud that Korea has a system of measuring area that nobody else on the planet can comprehend.
Curious if Kim Jong Il knows that a pyong is equal to 3.3 square meters
Wonder why local journalists write in terms of "10 pyong (one pyong equals 3.3 square meters)" rather than 10 pyong (33 square meters)
Ask "who cares?"
wonder why they never mention the ratio of pyong to tatami
calculate how to maximize your profit margin by reducing the number of pyong you require.
13. The name Hwang Woo Suk makes you:
Defend the good name of Korean science
Remember that Lee Seung Ki invented vinalon in North Korea and Dr. Lee didn't lie about his work! He is a true patriot.
Realize that the West was just jealous of South Korea's rapid advances in genetic science and the disparaging things the media stated about Dr. Hwang was all lies
Observe :Once a slickie boy, always a slickie boy
laugh until you tinkle
Wonder if there is an angle for you to make profit off this thing
14. When agitated hosts rant about your lack of understanding of Korea and use the television program M*A*S*H as an example of collective ignorance, you:
Scream in agreement in a shrill, strident voice. Hollywood obviously doesn't comprehend the unique situation on the peninsula!
...and how do you think North Koreans feel when they watch M*A*S*H reruns
point out that in your country there is so much television access that you can watch M*A*S*H episodes 25 hours out of every day
Point out that Richard Hooker's novel was actually written during the middle of the war in Vietnam and is an allegorical reference to Vietnam -- not Korea.
Assure Mr. Kim that the world is better off being ignorant of Korea.
Try to recall the last time you had time to watch television
15. On realizing that Koreans habitually write P rather than 9, you react by
Acknowledging this unique uniqueness as a special way Koreans express their uniqueness and insistence that Microsoft change their software to accept Ps and 9s interchangeably
Wondering if the hangul-only policy of North Korea allows for the P-9 flip flop
Pointing out in your country people are capable of differentiating between 9s and Ps
Questioning why Koreans don't similarly swap other numbers and letters
Giggling like a school girl on crack
Reviewing all your old pay stubs to see that you got everything coming.
16. When informed that "hangul is very scientific" you react by
Agreeing whole heartedly and suggesting all the ESL teachers in Korea start a signature drive to nominate King Saejung for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Wondering why the South Koreans don't honor such a perfect system by banning Chinese characters like the North Koreans
Demonstrating that your mother tongue has been documented as 82% more scientific
Asking Mr.Lee if it is true that hangul is so onomatopoeic that it can recreate any sound in nature. Then by asking him to demonstrate.
Laughing uncontrollably
smiling and fingering the filthy lucre in your pocket.
17. When the next Korean Air plane has a tragic mishap and results in more loss of passenger life, you will inevitably:
Join the throngs on the southern half of the peninsula in simultaneously mourning the loss and blaming Boeing.
Note that Air Koryo has not lost a plane since 1958
Note that Korean Air's passenger kill ratio is 2,700 times higher than that of Asiana
Wonder how they continue to fill seats
Giggle uncontrollably
Realize that as long as the crashes don't stand in the way of making money, then it's alright with you.
18. Koreans quickly get riled if one says in English "Seoul University" (as opposed to Seoul National University), but they get puzzled if you transliterate it and say "Gungnip Seoul Daehakgyo" in Korean. This makes you:
Scold foreigners with the same jingoistic and xenophobic phrases your students teach you in ESL class.
Weep with anguish because the university can't truly be "national" until the peninsula is reunified!
Wonder what a "national" university is in the first place.
Realize that Koreans are uncomfortable with foreigners who can decipher the secret language of the peninsula
Chalk this up as yet another "unique situation"
Smile, inhale deeply, and remind yourself that it is all playskool in the end
19. When informed that "Rain" is on the cusp of international stardom, you react by;
Quickly pointing out that you have seen him in concert six times (once you even flew to Hong Kong to see him), you are his biggest fan, and you know he is about to top the western pop charts because he is the ant's pants
Wondering if the comrades north of the DMZ are aware that Rain is the ant's pants
Pointing out that in the Ministry of Education's new Romanization system his name is "pee"
Asking "who the hell is 'pee'?"
Pointing out that Patti Kim flopped in the west, Sobangcha flopped in the West, So Taiji wah Aidol flopped in the West, and Pee will flop too.
Wondering how much Pee takes in on an average weekend.
20. When informed that "Korea is 5,000 years old" you react by
Immediately agreeing, then assuming a position of cultural subservience because your culture is chronologically inferior
Pointing out that the North Koreans have actually identified Tangun's cave
Pointing out that if Tangun was born in 2333 BC then Korea can be no more than 4,341 years old
Asking what Korea has to show for it
Asking Mr. Kim if it isn't embarrassing that his entire cultural origin myth is based on admitted ursine abuse
Praising the name of Tangun and thanking him for bolstering your retirement account
21. You have a serious illness and need significant medical care. You decide to;
go to the world famous and prestigious Severance Hospital because you know it is the best medical facility in the nation and Korea is an advanced medical nation
seek the assistance of a traditional Korean shaman
hit the soju and see if you can make it go away on your own
get the hell out of Korea while you are still alive
Go to the medical school associated with Happy-Happy Lifelong Edu-Learn-Topia English Institute
get the Hell out of Korea and go directly to Hong Kong/Bangkok/ Singapore/anywhere but Korea
22. When the local denizens insist that the "63 Building" is 63 stories tall, you react by;
Seeking confirmation from your ESL students. If they confirm that it is 63 stories tall, then it must be so.
Observing the Ryugyong Hotel is 105 stories tall!
stating that in your country you have parking garages taller than 63 stories
Pointing out that most people in the civilized world don't count basement levels as stories
Pointing out that the elevators go all the way up to the 60th storey... which is the ...ahem... top of the building.
recalling all the times you have made money in the "63" building.
23. When glassy eyed sons of Han recite the great history of the turtle ship you react by:
assuring them that no greater naval feat has ever been accomplished and surly someday there will be concrete evidence dredged up to confirm the turtle ship's existence
pointing out that the might northern brethren created the people's turtle ship 5,000 years before the capitalist south ever conceived of the idea
pointing out that the concept of an armor-clad ship did not enter popular Korean mythology until the 1870s when missionaries from the United States told tales of the battle between USS Monitor & CSS Merrimac
demanding evidence that such a ship ever existed, then hoick up a great glob of phlegm and spit it on the pavement to show your righteous indignation
giggling uncontrollably and saying "and you guys also invented the vulture aeroplane, and the antelope train"
Smile and nod and finger your money
24. When you are told, for the millionth time, that "Korea is the only divided nation" you;
agree between sobs of anguish
wonder if the north sobs as vociferously as the south
wonder if the Irish know about this.
wonder if the Chinese know about this
wonder if the Cypriots know about this
wonder if unification, no matter how remote the prospect, would hurt money making abilities
25. When a young Korean lectures you on the urgent need for US forces to get out of Korea you:
agree whole heartedly and clasp his hand in comradeship!
agree whole heartedly and vow to avenge the atrocities the United States has committed
agree whole heartedly and observe that it is high time Koreans started paying their own defense bill
agree whole heartedly and observe that it is high time Koreans started paying their own defense bill and that they owe the United States several trillion dollars for 50 + years of defense expenditures on Korea's behalf
point out that US troops are not there to protect against another attack from the North, they are there to protect the world from South Korea.
note that until US soldiers arrived on the peninsula Koreans used fingernail clippings as the primary form of currency
26. When a Korean refers to the 1988 Summer Olympics at the "most successful" you react by
immediately humming the chorus of "Hand in Hand"
noting that North Korea orchestrated the most successful three-nation Olympic boycott in 1988
looking shocked and asking "you mean... Korea hosted the Olympics? When!?"
Agreeing that of all the Summer Olympics held in 1988, certainly Seoul's was the most successful.
stating that there is actually no proof that the Olympics were ever in Korea and Western sources claim it is just propaganda
recalling how lucrative it was to work with Kim Un Yong
27. Your Korean secretary was born exactly 22 years ago, however she insists that she is 24 years old. You react by;
nodding knowingly and admitting that Westerners are incapable of understanding birth dates and age calculation
observing that in North Korea she probably wouldn't live past 22... much less 24
asking her to solve some simple mathematical puzzles designed to frustrate and embarrass
asking her out for Friday night
Asking her if she is old enough to have started learning how to make kimchi
reason that with the extra two years you can bankroll your retirement
28. The best translation of "han" is;
an unimaginable collective pain that no non-Korean can conceive of, much less understand
the pain resulting from a tragically divided nation
unrequited resentment
a juvenile snit
a catch-all excuse for when Koreans don't feel like getting the work done
an excuse for a business drink
29. When a strident young Korean angrily states that Korea is divided only because the United States divided it, you react by;
agreeing and expressing your loathing for Americans as well (this is especially good if you happen to be American)
pointing out that the brothers n the North had that figured out decades ago and South Korea is lacking in their deduction skills.
agreeing and pointing out that Task Force Smith was a carefully designed American ruse to get the Koreans fighting against each other.
agreeing and observing that American soldiers stay on because they know Korea has four distinct seasons and they want to be on the peninsula to take advantage of it
telling the Korean that it is in the best interest of world stability that Korea doesn't reunite... the entire world wants to make sure Korea remains divided.
yawning.
30. While walking down the street Mr. Kim explains to you that Koreans don't actually eat dog -- that is just a legend. You look up as the two of you pass a dog restaurant. You react by;
instantly agreeing. Anyway, if Koreans really did eat dog it would be because they have a 5,000 year old culture and hangul is very scientific
wonder how much a hearty bowl of dog would cost in North Korea
walking to the sign, pointing directly at the words, and asking Mr. Kim what it means because you have been seeing those words a lot in your neighborhood
Pat Mr. Kim on the head and say, "good boy, that's a good boy, isn't he a good boy."
laughing at him without shame.
inviting him in for a quick bite.
31. When it becomes obvious that Miss Lee is utterly incapable of distinguishing between green and blue you react by;
assuring her that it doesn't matter because the differentiation between green and blue is a Eurocentric dictate being foisted on Korea by the West
lamenting that the color green is illegal in North Korea.
assuring her that they have painful and risky operations that can fix colorblindness
assuring her that if only she would wear tinted contact lenses she would be able to see the full spectrum of colors
laughing at her without shame.
smiling gently, taking her by the hand, and leading her to the shrubbery for a satisfying draining of the ole' bladder
32. When told, yet again, that Seoul Tower is the tallest tower in the world, you react by:
gazing at it in admiration and stating that it is also the most scientific.
observing that the Juche Tower is taller in the bosom of the Korean people and that as long as the peninsula is divided, then the Seoul Tower will be nothing more than a symbol for the capitalistic running dog deceivers and their special class stooge pupp
pointing out that the tower in your country is taller even without the hill underneath
agreeing that yes, it is the tallest Seoul tower in the world. Likewise, the Pusan tower is the tallest Pusan tower in the world.
laughing until you wet yourself
asking who cares
33. When Mr. Kim assures you that Korea is famous all over the world for its fabulous hospitality, you react by:
agreeing and giving sixteen examples of why this is unquestionably true (preferably first hand accounts, but anecdotal evidence will suffice)
lamenting that North Korea was actually even more hospitable until the evil Americans divided the nation to keep the Korean people down
admitting that you haven't traveled much, so you aren't sure what people think of Korean hospitality
admitting that you have traveled quite a bit and your observation is that the people of the world don't really pay much attention to Korea...ever.
laugh until you wet yourself and some splashes on Mr. Kim
exporting more hard currency out of Korea.
34. Koreans are the most diligent people on the planet, at least that is what your Korean colleagues tell you. When you hear this claim you react by;
telling all your fellow ESL teachers that this is obviously true, otherwise Korea wouldn't have four distinct seasons ... at least that is what your students taught you.
Observing that the northern brethren were even more diligent before being hobbled with calamities brought on by America and her southern puppet regime
sidestepping six pools of pink vomit, a human turd, and a gray-suited soju-sodden drunk snoring in the afternoon sun, before tripping on the broken sidewalk
shaking your head at the delusions of adequacy
shaking your head at the delusions of adequacy, then splashing a little more urine on Mr. Kim
fingering that wad of man-spots in your pocket
35. Well-crafted Konglish splashed across the Korean landscape prompts you to:
stand proud, knowing that as a Junior ESL Instructor at the Happy-Happy Lifelong Edu-Learn-Topia English Institute you have done your part
ponder the fate of Konglish instructors in Pyongyang
marvel at the sheer creative genius found in Korea
wonder why they couldn't have forked over a few measly bucks to have native speaker check to make sure it wasn't just more of the same gook gibberish
giggle and repeat the Konglish phrase as your new mantra
Note that this confirms there is more editing work out there
36. The Sunshine policy would have worked if only the international community had stepped out of the way and allowed home grown diplomacy to work. This statement causes you to
become angry that America screwed it up!
Become angry that America screwed it up by meddling in the DPRKs reunification plans back in 1950!
recall the fact that Koreans can't pronounce "sunshine"
laugh until milk squirts out your nose
marvel at the inability of Koreans to see that appeasement has, so far, been a failing strategy
make hay while the sun shines
37. A colleague from work, Hwang Chul Su, has decided to go by an "English name." Mr. Hwang jettisons Chul Su in favor of "Woody." He goes as far as having his business cards altered. While his fellow Koreans still refer to him as Chul Su, he is adamant that
spending sleepless nights debating the merits of honoring your colleague's wishes, or honoring the long and noble tradition of Korean names
Noting that Kim Il Sung was known as "Woody" while single handedly defeating the Japanese in World War II
laughing in Chul Su's face because he can't even pronounce the name he has selected
laughing at Woody's decision, then insist he likewise call you Ki Hwan
Suggest Woody would be happier if you helped him select a name, then proceed to generate a list of juvenile semi-vulgarisms such as Dick, Wally, and Schlong
admiring Woody's white socks.
38. Mr. Kim, Mr. Kim, and Mr. Kim have joined you for after-work drinks at the neighborhood soju tent. All three Kims insist that Cheju is a tropical island. You react by;
wholeheartedly agreeing and noting that if the Korean National Tourism Board decides it is tropical, then that should be sufficient certification
longing that North Korea was fortunate enough to have a tropical province too... then breaking down in to uncontrollable weeping
Explaining to the Kims that the area between 23.5 degrees north and 23.5 degrees south is considered tropical, and despite what their middle school teacher claimed, Cheju is not there
Explaining to the Kims that just because Koreans want very much for Cheju to be considered tropical, it still isn't within that area (even if their middle school teacher told them)
Explaining to Kims that no matter how much han it produces, Cheju isn't going to become tropical any time soon
Explaining to Kims that if they have banana trees in plastic tents to protect them from the ice and snow, then sure enough -- it must be tropical.
39. Your "good friend" Mr. Pock has a business proposition for you. All he needs is a substantial amount of your money for a limited time. You react by:
gathering all the spare money you have made at the Happy-Happy Lifelong Edu-Learn-Topia English Institute and handing it over
lamenting that North Korea makes it illegal to have
Tell Mr. Pock that if he can quickly say "Ponzi Scheme" three times in succession you will provide the money at an attractive interest rate
Telling him that Korean currency is no longer considered hard currency
excusing yourself to take a phone call on your invisible mobile phone
asking for more details
40. 1. The veins on Mr. Bae�s neck bulge when he speaks about a pair of little rocks halfway between Korea and Japan. When this happens you;
assure him that not only are the rocks called Tokk Do, they are sovereign Korean soil and they are located within the "East Sea"
Agree that the rocks are called Tokk Do, but that the North Koreans consider that body of water to be the "Southeast Sea"
point out that in the Ministry of Education's new Romanization system the rocks are known as "Dog Do"
angrily demand Mr. Bae offer a sincere apology on behalf of all Koreans because the rocks are properly called Liancourt Rocks and are the territory of France.
Suggest that Japan take one rock and Korea take the other rock... kind of like the 2002 FIFA World Cup compromise.
nod, and pretend to listen
41. 1. Miss Choe claims that he is the direct descendant of Korean royalty. So does Mr. Kim. So does Mr. Lee and Miss Pock. In fact, every Korean you have ever met claims to be of yongban stock. This makes you;
proud to be the guest of a nation of such nobility and regal stature
weep in tormented anguish because in the north the proletariat is well aware that all the upper class Koreans ended up south of the DMZ
ponder the great Yongban uprising in which the entire peasant population of Korea was exterminated thus leaving absolutely no peasant descendants
look at Miss Choe in a new light
look at Miss Choe in a new light and ask her what she's doing Friday evening
weary
42. Miss Ahn assures you that Koreans are assuredly not xenophobic, this causes you to;
laugh so hard that you burst a vessel in your nose
laugh so hard that you burst a vessel in your nose
laugh so hard that you burst a vessel in your nose
laugh so hard that you burst a vessel in your nose
laugh so hard that you burst a vessel in your nose
laugh so hard that you burst a vessel in your nose

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