How Good A Teacher Are You?

Are you a born teacher? Are you motivated, learning-focused and results-driven? Or are you a work-shy, inspection-fearing excuse for an educator? This handy test (not Gove approved) will tell you if you're a perfect practitioner or -god help you - UNSATISFACTORY.

By answering just a few simple questions you will find out the brutally honest truth about whether you should be maximising learning gains in the classroom, or whether you should return to that job strangling chickens in a factory for minimum wage. Roll up teachers, roll up - only this quiz will tell you if you are in the right career...

Created by: manglewurzel
1. What is your age?
Under 18 Years Old
18 to 24 Years Old
25 to 30 Years Old
31 to 40 Years Old
41 to 50 Years Old
51 to 60 Years Old
Over 60 Years Old
2. What is your gender?
Male
Female
3. I began teaching because...
It was just my calling. I'm born to teach. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
My mum told me to.
The prison I worked at kicked me out for unnecessary roughness.
I ran out of other ideas and a year back at Uni seemed like an awesome idea.
It's a socially acceptable way to visit fear on young children and get away with it.
4. I see parents...
...as invaluable partners in a child's magical learning journey. .
...as people to keep on-side because I want to keep my job.
...as little as I can feasibly get away with.
...coming! Quick, hide behind that enormous pile of unmarked books!
5. "Assessment is..."
...the beating heart of my classroom practice, allowing me to tailor my lessons to the individual needs of my learners.
...a necessary evil, but hey, it probably helps the kids, right?
...spreadsheet based purgatory.
...the secret codeword that triggers my meeting-based narcolepsy.
6. How do you feel about coffee?
Unnecessary. I share my homemade kiwi fruit, ginseng and wheatgerm smoothies with Year 5 every morning, and they're razor sharp all day.
Three spoons of Nescafe and six heaped sugars, please. It's double maths with Group 3 next.
Absolutely fundamental to my ability to form coherent sentences.
A useful and discreet Jack Daniels delivery system.
Meh.
7. Your lessons are...
Learning intention focused, success criteria agreed, well planned and resourced opportunities to maximise the learning of EVERY SINGLE individual in my valued cohort.
Briefly planned, nothing written down, but I've got a rough idea of what I want from the little gits before break.
The irritating noisy things that totally bugger your chances of getting to the next level on Angry Birds.
A fearful, traumatising vision of a decent into hell itself.
8. Which answer best describes your classwork books?
Immaculate.
Tidy, I guess.
Patchy.
Missing.
The thick paper covers make excellent roaches for my enormous, bohemian, Woodstock-style spliff doobies.
9. What do you call the short people that visit you every day?
"Learners"
"Pupils"
"The Kids"
"Useful Alibi"
"Cannon fodder"
10. Michael Gove.
Hey, he's just a good-hearted man, trying to make a difference.
No.
KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Who?
11. The Headteacher is coming to observe you today. Your approach?
Be utterly unfazed, as my lesson on African rain sticks will go down a treat. Looking forward to it, actually.
Clear away the dirty coffee mugs and hammer out a lesson plan the night before.
Smile a bit. Hope he doesn't notice "The Stupid Wall" poster you made as a behavioural technique.
Cook yourself up another 5ml of Methadone and roll down your shirt sleeves.
12. How do you display children's work?
On an elaborately decorated, 3D, multi-sensory, learning intention-focused "Topic Zone" at the back of your class, next to the Reading Snug.
A decent stab at a display, a bit like a rubbish version of the amazing one I nicked off the TES website.
At the bottom of the full recycling bin. The little buggers cry if they find it lying on the top. Sheesh.
The children's what now?
13. How do you feel at 3pm?
Elated, but a bit sad it's all over. At least I can start planning my Mandarin lesson for tomorrow!
Knackered.
Suicidal.
Horny.
14. What do you do with your end-of-term gifts?
File them away in a special box in your store - marked with the academic year - and treasure them until retirement.
Keep the good ones, put the rest in a box in your attic to recycle at Christmas for obscure relatives.
Ebay.
Kindling.
15. What time do you get in to work?
I'm usually waiting for the janitor to open up about 7 ish, but I can still get wifi in the car park if I I need an early start.
Long enough to set out my resources and switch on my whiteboard. .
8:40, arriving sideways into the staff car car park on two wheels and a cloud of smoke.
zzzzzzzzzz

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