Are You Fresno Or Fres-yes?

Fresno. Sixth largest city in California. Star of the San Joaquin. Jewel of the Sierras. Gateway to... well, everywhere that's not Fresno. They say that Fresno gets under your skin. That you can't escape. That even if you move away, you'll come back someday (probably because you can't afford a mortgage anywhere else in California).

So how much of the city is in you? Are you anchored here, or just sailing by? Are you wondering why we're using nautical metaphors when Fresno is 200 miles from the ocean? Don't worry about it. Just try this easy quiz and find out how much Fresno will feature in your future!

1. What is your age?
Under 18 Years Old
18 to 24 Years Old
25 to 30 Years Old
31 to 40 Years Old
41 to 50 Years Old
51 to 60 Years Old
Over 60 Years Old
2. What is your gender?
Male
Female
3. You wake up in the morning and look out of the window to see everything blanketed in snow. What is your reaction?
You remember that you're on vacation, because it never snows in Fresno
You think it's a great excuse not to go to work
You sigh resignedly and thank God you put the snow shovel ready by the front door
You scream with excitement, throw on some warm clothes, and hurry outside to make a snowman
You make a mental note to check for patches of hidden ice on your property where someone could slip and then sue you. This is California, after all
4. How much of a stretch is it to call the local airport Fresno Yosemite International?
It's 60 miles from Yosemite and in a different county
It is theoretically possible to cross an international border departing from Fresno - after at least one connecting flight
There are four flights a week to Guadalajara
Some of the airport signs are in Spanish
All of the above
5. I say 'brown'. You think:
Eyed girl
Pot-ah-to
Cleveland
Bulldogs!
The color of the sky
6. The local news weatherman excitedly predicts a 'cooling trend' for the weekend. Based on this information, what do you make plans to do?
Strap your snowboard to the roof rack and head up to Sierra Summit
Shop for a new jacket
Wear shoes instead of flip-flops
Check the City's website to see if Saturday and Sunday are 'No Burn Days'
Fry eggs on the hood of your car
7. There's not a human being in sight. Everything is shut up and silent. Tumbleweed rolls lazily in the wind. A coyote howls in the distance. Nothing stirs. Where are you?
Tombstone, waiting for the Clanton brothers to ride into town
A movie set
Costco before they open
Mars
Downtown after 5 p.m.
8. The Mayor is:
A generic Republican. Let's face it, Fresno would elect a pepperoni pizza if it ran for the GOP
A generic Democrat. Let's face it, Fresno would elect Aunt Marge's chihuahua if it ran on a Democratic ticket
A career bureaucrat who ran unopposed and got the job because no-one else wanted it
An independent who was elected on a strong anti-gang platform
Bubba from 'In the Heat of the Night'
9. The Bulldogs are up by 7 points at home against the #1-ranked team, with two minutes left in the 4th quarter, and are on offense. How does the game end?
The quarterback works to keep possession, not try anything fancy, run down the clock, and ensure that we preserve the lead till the end
We score another spectacular touchdown, sparking wild scenes of jubilation in Bulldog Stadium and catapulting us to national attention
Coach Hill calls a timeout and inexplicably replaces the entire offensive line with a bunch of freshmen
We blow a great chance to bury the game by fumbling in the end zone, then to add insult to injury allow two interceptions followed by touchdown runs of 75 and 90 yards. We lose by 7
C followed by D
10. 15 minutes is:
A movie starring Robert De Niro and Edward Burns
Driving time to Madera
Something Andy Warhol said about fame
The average time you can expect to be stuck in traffic each day
Your life expectancy on the West Side
11. Who is or was William Saroyan?
Starting pitcher for the Grizzlies
A pulitzer Prize-winning playwright and Fresno native
A farmer from Reedley who's always on the local news b----ing about something
The first president of Fresno State
The lawyer who defended Marcus Wesson
12. Fresno State's new men's basketball star is being raved about as the most exciting talent to emerge from the WAC in years. What is likely to be his next career move?
He gets arrested for murder
He is caught taking payment for playing and gets the whole basketball program in trouble
He badmouths the coach and is stripped of his scholarship
He gets picked first in the NBA draft, then sinks without trace and is next seen coaching middle school in rural Minnesota
All of the above are equally likely
13. Barry Manilow is coming to the SaveMart Center. You can't stand Barry Manilow. What do you do?
Nothing. You could care less
Complain about the extra traffic on Shaw the night of the concert
Lie to your friend who has an extra ticket, saying that you have to go to your aunt's funeral
Sign on as a volunteer music critic for the Fresno Bee so that you can write a trashy review
Rush to buy tickets because it's... well, it's Barry Manilow! In FRESNO! And how often does THAT happen?!?
14. Who is Kopi Sotiropoulos?
Wasn't he the mechanic on 'Taxi' who talked gibberish?
You know, the ABC News political correspondent - used to be Bill Clinton's campaign manager or something
That crazy KMPH weather guy who suddenly has hair
Jennifer Aniston's godfather
He runs a Greek deli in the Tower District
15. The 'armpit of California' is:
Fresno
Bakersfield
Merced
Los Angeles
Santa Cruz
16. As part of your New Year's Resolutions, you decide to walk to the store for exercise. However, your good intentions are thwarted by which of the following?
None of the streets have sidewalks
People keep pulling over to ask if you need a ride
The crosswalk sign turns back to red less than 3 seconds after turning green and you get a ticket for jaywalking
The 'local' store is more than two miles away
All of the above
17. The heart of modern Fresno is:
Downtown
River Park
Clovis
The Tower District
Uh... wh? Heart... Um... No! You're confusing me!! My brain hurts!!!

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