Gauging Level of Literature Abuse

Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.

Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns. Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.

1. What is your age?
Under 18 Years Old
18 to 24 Years Old
25 to 30 Years Old
31 to 40 Years Old
41 to 50 Years Old
51 to 60 Years Old
Over 60 Years Old
2. What is your gender?
Male
Female
3. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
Oui.
Non.
4. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
Hai.
Nay.
5. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
Yes.
No.
6. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
Ja.
Nein.
7. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
Sim.
Nao.
8. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
Ja.
Nr.
9. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
Yep, indeedy.
Huh?
10. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
Ae.
Kaore.
11. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
Ndiyo.
La.
12. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
Jo.
Nej.
13. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
Sic.
Non.
14. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
Bale.
Na.
15. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
Ye.
Tla.
16. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
Jee Haan.
Nahin.
17. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
Da.
Niet.
18. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
Quemah.
Aic.
19. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
Io.
Sega.
20. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
Avunu.
Kadhu.
21. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
Bai.
Iz.

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