bruise violet
- Locked due to inactivity on Oct 23, '23 3:54am
Thread Topic: bruise violet
-
i don’t like the morning time. everyone is still sleeping, and i am lonely. how is it that everyone falls asleep before me, but also wakes up after me? mornings are always so depressing here. he tells me to wake him up, so i do, but then he tells me to wake him up later. the cycle repeats itself, and it frustrates me. i feel like most of my time spent here is laying in this bed waiting for him to wake up. he has class today, so he’ll be gone for a little bit. i think i’ll try to rest while he’s gone. it seems like the easiest way to pass the time.
he still won’t wake up. i don’t really know what to do. if i shake him, he’ll be angry with me. maybe i will just lay here and sink into the mattress until i wither away. i could rot here. would he even smell it? -
my head hurts. i shouldn’t have hit it last night. it’s all my fault. when he leaves, i’m going to take medicine to make me sleep. i don’t really want to be alone today. sleeping will make everything easier.
he’s taking me home tomorrow. i don’t want to go home tomorrow. why is he changing things? i thought i was going to go home this weekend. we’ve barely spent any time together. it’s like he wants to get rid of me. doesn’t he understand that i’m here for him and nothing else? he just told me earlier that he wanted me to stay longer, but now he’s changed his mind, i guess. i can’t over stay my welcome, but sometimes i wish he could just feel what i feel.
i found out he was lying to me about the drugs. he’s done them more than he said he had. he didn’t even tell me this himself. it was forced out of him by his mom and his sister. i was there, and i started crying. i’ve never been more embarrassed in my life. i felt so stupid. if he can lie to me about something like that, what else could he be lying about? he apologized, but first, he made up excuses for himself.
after everything i’ve been through, i don’t know how i can still trust him, but i do. obviously, i have doubts or i wouldn’t still be thinking about all of this. sometimes i wonder if this is good for me, but i really love him. -
i had a panic attack last night, one of the worst ones i’ve had in a long time. i told him i was sorry. i told him i didn’t want that to happen. after the fact, he left me upstairs and said he just needed to calm down, and i said that was okay. everything seemed alright. this morning i couldn’t get him up. he kept telling me to wake him up at a later time, and i tried, then he’d tell me to wake him up at a later time again. he wanted me to go home today, but he’s slept too late, and there isn’t any time to take me home now. i asked him why he wouldn’t get up, and he said it was because of me. he said i wore him out last night. i didn’t mean to. i couldn’t control what was happening. we still went to bed fairly early, but he said i kept him up all night.
i just don’t feel okay. i don’t feel okay at all. i’ve locked myself in the bathroom, and i’m crying. i don’t know what i did wrong or why he’s being so aggressive. i could probably sit in here for hours, and he’d never come. -
everything is okay.
-
everything is not okay. he bought the drugs. he was hiding it from me. he told me all this and had the nerve to say “you cry a lot” when i cried. how else did he expect me to react? he asked if i was going to be upset about this all day. am i not supposed to be upset? i don’t even know how to process this. he just left for work, and i’m just sitting here on his bed. i feel so sick. will i ever be worth more than drugs?
-
i feel so sick. my stomach feels like it’s eating at itself. my head is spinning, and i just want to collapse. am i being too sensitive? do i deserve this?
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
