Don't you dare demand things from me after everything you've done!
If hell exists, I'll gladly hold the gates open for your nonexistent ass!
Given that your existence is limited I'll be dancing on your grave when J get's the help he need's. it won't change anything but if you were not the result of schizo I would have made it my personal goal to beat your formal ass to a pulp!
Me not being able to seek retribution for your actions is the only reason I can't find Closure in the great February disaster!
I hope you rot and decay in the back of his mind!
I will Make sure that if I become wealthy. I will put a huge chunk of my wealth into Schizophrenia research out of the pure hatred I have for your non-existent fake ass!
I cried at work today
Great no not much has changed since I've had a mental breakdown in a Walmart parking lot.
I literally freaked out and almost had a heart attack all over reputation. I want to start over but hatred always follows me apparently. Oregon isn't even my true destination. It's actually Washington but as it turns out I'm stuck here for a while which isn't too bad but it's not my major dream location. It's not what I've been fighting for for the past nearly two years.
I'm so close. Even with all the egg shells that I'm walking on I'm only 2 hours and 15 minutes away. To put that in perspective that's about the same distance as I was from Melbourne back whenever I lived in Florida and I got to say if it's an occasional trip it's damn well worth it. nearly two years of planning with practically no intention of anything ever happening but it's possible now and it's going to happen. That will be paradise.
I've come way too far in this Pursuit of Happiness to just give up now. I will keep on going if this s--- even kills me because it's the only thing I have left to live for. It's the only thing I want in life. I don't care about anything other than this at this point because I've been through so much crap.
There's the people that I care about yes but as far as things go I don't care about anything else other than this. Once I get this I won't need anything else. Once I get this and I can settle down I will finally be content once again in my life. I've wanted nothing more than to be content again ever since the disaster of February
Wow this game just makes things worse and worse and worse and worse and I have to make harder and harder and harder decisions
So you're leading a Rebellion against an ultra authoritarian regime that's existed thousands of years and you're going to take 24 hour Voyage to a desert of a nation that is ruled by strength with your comrades that you have bonded with for a long time and these characters have personality. Your intention is to gain the support of this nation ruled by strength but little do you realize there's a rebellion going on there too and you're forced to pick a side and two of your comrades have picked different sides and are insisting on sticking with those sides they picked
It's forcing me to make a choice
Either side with the Rebellion that's trying to bring good change to the nation that I am visiting which my strongest party member has joined or I fight for the strength government which has somebody who suffered a very very depressing childhood and is relatable to main character in the game in that way who is also a comrade of yours
So in a nutshell this game is forcing me to kill off one of the characters that have been part of the story since the beginning and I don't want to do either but I don't have that choice. It's the trolley problem all over again just like last time.
Except this time around in the game it impacts me a lot harder because the game forces you to get to know these characters in which I did and these characters are extremely well-developed characters and then it gives you the biggest finger and tells you you have to kill off one of them by fighting them in a colosseum match.
This game is screwed up but beautiful with the choices that it forces you to make.
And that it's a lot harder then I thought it would
There was no avoiding it
I didn't make my choice over the politics of that Realm I made my choice over which of the comrades the liked the development of more and to think that in the end all it was was just a choice between the two and I just choose the one that from the very beginning I wasn't much of a fan of but of course I learned more about their backstory and it was a likeable character now it's gone
But at least the one I like more it's still there in the party? I can't help but feel fat even whenever I do finish this game I don't think I have ended up winning I don't feel like the routes I took in this game qualify as victory
"would you kill someone for what you believe in even if it meant friend or a brother?"
Funny because that must be the question that the South and the north always asked in the Civil War in history.
Call me Petty but with all my time so far that I've spent in Oregon come to the conclusion that I never really was home. Like some people would say my home is worth my family back in Florida I disagree cuz there's a phrase that goes "home is were the heart is" and honestly I believe that but the thing is overtime I've always followed my heart but over time it's reached a point where the things I'm doing could be seen as using people. All to put in me finally in a happy spot in my life where I would no longer have to use anybody even know the amount of people that I've used is minimal I'm still aware of it and no not talking about the folks from the Californication gang ultimately what they did was out of generosity but my "boyfriend"
Nothing feels real and the worst part of it all is before I got here nothing felt real and since I was never the greatest person at breaking things off used the opportunity that he gave me under his false pretense that everything between us is real. The real matter is everything that I have done that has led me to this point is not only to start a fresh start but also because of somebody else. Somebody who's been there for me 2 years going strong. Funny to think how long distance actually has somehow worked out in the end. But I wouldn't be here mentally or emotionally if it wasn't for him. Sure he's no best friend turned brother turned mad lover but he is an amazing guy.
2 hours in distance with so much time I have to wait before I can always stand and make these things are reality but at the same time my time is limited. Where I'm at now is causing emotional turmoil which I guess isn't much of a change from Florida.
It's just right now where I am don't trust anybody and they don't trust me.. Alice pack in Florida I could trust my mother.
Over here I have nobody to trust unless if I go down south to the s--- hole that I've always practically called hell for my entire life or if I go north towards the guy I mentioned earlier at least in those places I got folks that matter friends that care and a potential future love.
To be fair when I think back on it I think me and him were always in love ever since July. I mean sure we have an odd way of showing it each other but I guess it's no odder than what me and Marie had between us a lot of the time. Just strange relationship quirks that I think everybody has. But the thing is if home really is where the heart is then how come my home it's on the other side of the country from where I was born. Maybe it was because of the fact that Florida is a major s--- all the way and people down there are always cocky and always think that they're too good for anything. You can call that selfish if you want but I genuinely think Florida is a s--- hole.
So naturally with my hatred for my own people even though I hate to consider Florida like it so Nation it practically is at this point it has its own culture you might as well call southern Florida part of Cuba. Regardless as much as I hate that place I can't help that that's where I was born. In a place that I can't call home I can't call where I am either home therefore this job and my days off I'm going to remain in discomfort which might impact my ability to connect with new people because internally I'm homeless unless if I can cross the state border.
Heh. I mean basically for years it's been my dream to start a new life in Washington and now I have a reason I mean I had the dream to start a life in Oregon to because that would have been a good back-up plan but. I mean I still don't have a car and I definitely have not renewed my license yet and part of me says why should I bother if I'm going to be moving States again soon anyways but Washington and Oregon they're both pretty expensive to live at but they're also the places with the highest quality of life in the whole US.
I think quality of life is subjective. Who's to say what makes good quality of life and who's to say what makes bad quality of life.
Especially when the person is just trying to get home in which they've never been to.
I don't think this is at all philosophical it's something else and I don't mean to talk in metaphors.
Truth is suffering will always exist compared to Paradise where it really again depends on the person but even then nobody will reach ultimate Paradise. World's job is to put your Ambitions on a slab. That creates negative reactions.
None of us want this and if your smart you distract yourself with admiring or creating art which puts you in a different reality whether you like to admit it or not. When you're reading a book your mind is in the world of that book. When you're playing a game your mind he's in the world of that game even something as simple as Monopoly. When you're watching a movie you're engaged in that movie.
The same can be said about the creation of these things. We indulge in the excitement that we wish our lives could be but of course our life is brutal boring and not exciting.
Even love and romance is in Escape From what the world throws at us that's all we do is human beings we try to find a way to cope with the reality that we've been given. I myself, I am guilty of these things too but we're all guilty but we all do it differently. What I do is follow my heart which causes my journey to be full of realities I never wanted to face and still to this day do not want to face like the fact that I'm using people and the same fact that they don't trust me which I don't see a reason for them to do so.
Trust doesn't really come easy to me anymore. The only people I can trust are my mother my grandmother my group of friends that I now call family and that group of friends of mine sometimes still makes me want to tear up put naturally I can't. Even though I want to.
That group of friends are all like brothers one of them specifically being kind of like an older brother considering I never really had one. These people don't know my blood family but whenever it comes down to it I don't think a family is just made up of a mother and a grandmother because that's all I have biologically and when I say that's all I have that's all I can accept because everything else that has been given to me I don't trust them or they've wronged me too hard in the past. So this is why I rely on the family I choose. I try so hard to distance myself from the past but at this point I think all I need are these people and this doesn't mean that I have not counted Cass and Gray
They were there long before these people accepted me. They cared for me long before I even knew these people. To think all things that every single one of these people share in common is that they're like families to me and they're just everywhere sprawled out like the nation struggling with several rebellions at once if I was to pinpoint every single location all these people came from I could probably have at least one in a half of the US states. But at the same time they can only help so much. I've reached a point where I have to know focus on my goal that I've had for years and how I'm going to approach that that is my next priority figuring that out and don't get me wrong I feel remorse for the route I took but at the same time I'm doing this from my Pursuit of Happiness which is taking way too damn long so maybe this will all be worth it in the end right? After all like I said earlier and a couple days ago selfishness does not exist because if it did exist it would exist and everything that people do therefore that counteracts its existence it's the same way with morality except morality is just overall subjective therefore it counteracts its existence or it just proves that morality is an inferior useless tool used by people to Define with right and wrong and to be honest nobody knows if they're right or wrong in an aspect that could be interpreted differently by people which is exactly why mora
Stupid ass invisible limit it's alright I'd already got everything out I just need to make it to Washington because unfortunately I still feel like I'm rotting here. Nothing for me personally to gain. Maybe somebody else can gain something but I can't and I still feel uncomfortable because home is where the heart is but that's where I'm going.