I think I've officially lost it and I have nowere to write about this that will be away from any of my family members finding out that I'm going through this s---. As far as they're aware I'm perfectly fine. But news flash I'm not anywhere close to fine and I am not glorifying myself in it I hate it
I hate that I'm constantly self-loathing every dam night. And it's not just your everyday self-loathing it's like I don't have a choice it's like I know I'm a piece of s--- because obviously I am!
I'm the one that broke a promise I made to God. I'm the one that left a woman in tears. And I'm the one that's been stuck on this s--- for 11 motherfuking months it's been almost a full year of this f---ing bulls--- and I'm sick of it.
I genuinely want to take my last step and my last breath I'm done with this f---ing bulls--- I'm done with the episodes that I have. And the hell I'm going to go to therapy because I don't even have myself a f---ing car yet not to mention it's a great way ti keep myself from advancing financially.
The last six hours I've been suffering cooped up in Walmart bathrooms cleaning them work used to help stop this s--- but it hasn't this morning.
And of course I'm not going to get my way because it would be impossible for me to get my way. my way would be going back in time and making sure none of this f---ing s--- would happen. Then maybe I would be more ambitious towards getting out of Walmart and getting an actual job. Then maybe I wouldn't be having these f---ing episodes. Then maybe I wouldn't even be writing this f---ing post. Then maybe I wouldn't be doomed to hell.
And no it's not something were I just get back into the relationship I was in before all this happened in then easy peasy solved. Because that doesn't change the guilt I felt, that doesn't change what I feel. It's not her fault that I'm like this it's nobody but my own. Here I am four rating around a bunch of fake ass s--- to try and make up for what I've lost and it doesn't do jack.
I'm sick of it. It's unacceptable and I don't want to tolerate it any longer. Never have I genuinely been so intrigued by taking my last breath.
It's so hard not to cry I've been trying to resist it all night and I just can't hold it in any longer I mixed with this rage and flat-out deep sadness. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have absolutely nobody left to talk to. And I don't feel right talking to some professional. Because I wouldn't open up to a complete stranger or even an acquaintance.
I don't know what to do and I'm running out of options I don't want to take a dive into insanity if that lies on the road ahead and I don't want to suffer like this any longer but there's nothing I can do every single option that there is would just make the situation worse. Nobody's going to listen to me there's already a number of people on my fingers he think I'm literally insane. I have literally lost friends due to this issue and no I'm not trying to play any poor me cards I need a place to write this out and it's websites like the only place where I can because that's how I out there it is. I don't care if people read this.
I don't care if it's altars how they think of me I need a place to put this down and down a journal or on my notepad is not good enough.
Doing this at least numbs the pain a bit. I'm just sick of suffering and I don't want to live the rest of my life like this and now I'm going in circles again I'm f---ing done with this s---