All I got to say is I hope Marie makes her decision before she reads all this I don't want to impact her decision making too much.. I don't want anything I say other than the fact that I promise do not let my stupidity getting away again. to influence her decision. I have seriously sworn on my life to not leave her.
That boy I could give two s---ss about. You see even if I did feel anything for him what type of guy goes nuts whenever someone close to them says that they're feeling a little down in the dumps and then leaves for a full month comes back under the false impression that that said person is now a demon. As a result that said person has to play along after 5 months of dealing with this s***. Because if he doesn't the person kills themself which puts responsibility on him so do you expect me to give a s*** about D. I got news for you. I dont I lost respect for him a long time ago. I lost respect for you even longer ago.
So I got a deal for you shut the f****** leave me alone
All this stress and worry has given me bad headaches... this constant want to fix my mistake. This deep attachment I have to her is unlike one I've had for anyone. When I ended things with her it's like I knew that it wasn't what I wanted deep inside. whatever motivated that part of my brain to do that was strong. Never will I let that get in the way again all it did was hurt both of us. It still hurts me. I really don't wanna have everything between me and her end she is so perfect. She and I had our futures planed out. We were gonna be happy together but look at this mess I got myself into. The sorrow I have felt since February is quite unbearable I work every night through irritation. I'm so sorry to Marie and God for recent events. I never wanna feel this pain again and I don't want anyone else to either.
If that day doesn't come were me and her will be in an embrace of love. I might take the idea of love, dating, and marriage and throw it in a pit of fire and burn it. I said it once and I'll say it again. "Once rid perfection you will not only never find it again but you will also never want to go searching."
This mental war over these sides in my brain has came to a close long ago. I knew better but I screwed up. I end this journal post with "there is nobody else better than her."