The Boyanoski Factor

For generations, the U.S. government has denied existence of what it calls the Boyanoski Factor. But it exists. It is a gene that causes temporary insanity, drunkeness and the occasional fistfight. We have reason to fear that you may be infected with this gene.

Please for the sake of you and the surrounding community, please take this test. The government needs to know if you are at risk. There are rumors that the gene has spread from its origins in Northeast Pa, and has spread across most of the Eastern U.S. There are some fears that the gene may be spreading in schools.

1. What is your age?
Under 18 Years Old
18 to 24 Years Old
25 to 30 Years Old
31 to 40 Years Old
41 to 50 Years Old
51 to 60 Years Old
Over 60 Years Old
2. What is your gender?
Male
Female
3. Where do you store cremanes?
Behind a couch in the parlor for at least two years
Bury immediately
Depends on the weather
4. Have you or someone you know ever climbed a fence at a softball game to scream obscenities?
Yes
No
5. Have you or a relative ever blown off half your face with gunpowder and then tried to cover up the fact by wearing sunglasses?
Sure
No
I won't answer that question because mom might find out
6. Which of these would your father have said
What's this high and goes hee-haw?
I love you
Hold my beer
7. Have you ever worked at a Woolworth's store?
yes
no
8. Where do you get pizza that tastes like beer?
Dominoes
Andy's by the Bowling Alley
Salerno's
Up da Eynon
9. What is the Christmas pickle?
A drink made with eggnog and bourbon
A Polish food
An ornament that goes last on a tree
Tyring to drill fake branches into a real tree
10. What is the proper word(s) to yell at your neighbor's children
Eat crap
Yo
Christopher, Christopher
Would you be my friend?
11. What is an alernative meaning to "early Easter service."
Slept in
Too hungover to go to church
You went to church the week before
Smoking pot
12. What was the "hippie hut"
A green mechanical box at the top of Brick Avenue
A popular hangout behind St. Joe's
A downtown restaurant
13. Have you or a relative ever snooped for Christmas presents by breaking into another person's house
yes
no
14. Finish this sentence: I got a girl from Kansas City...
One big eye, and one big titty
She sells seashells by the seashore
her father works for the SPCA
She drinks budweiser
15. Finish this sentence: It's Santa, no, no, no...
It's Mike Schmidt, ho, ho, ho
It's Elliott Katuna, ho, ho, ho
It's black beard the pirate, yo, yo, yo
16. What is the greatest comedy of all time?
Animal House
Hysterical
The Blues Brothers
The Royal Tanenbaums
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World
The Greatest Story Ever Hula-ed
17. What was Bull's Head?
A cheap steak house
A convenience store
A crack house
A river we fished at a lot
18. Was your dog or a relative's dog ever treated for hemmoroids?
yes
no
19. What was the dog's name?
Ass muncher
Belvedere
Lance
Keilbasa
20. What/who was the Winter Warlock
A christmas tree circa 1982
An Intellivision game
A snow sled
21. You have bad hand writing, what is the likely reason?
I didn't pay attention to the nuns in school
A train ran them over, and my mom sewed them back on crooked
What do you mean I have bad hand writing? Screw you.
Your eyesight is bad, not my hand writing
22. Have you bought a pizza or a calzone from a Chinese man
yes
I'm from Old Forge, that's blasphemy
No
23. Do you order steak or the buffet at the Ponderosa?
Steak
Buffett
Both
Neither

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