My poems
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 16, '17 3:54am
Thread Topic: My poems
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Good-bye
Goode-by Chris, I know you never really cared
Even when I had nothing, and you had everything to share
You never cuddled me at night, you kept me in the dark Now I hope you really know how much you broke my heart
You vented out your anger in a most unpleasent way, stabbing me with a knife in the middle of the day
I can feel the blood poisoning going through my veins, It's already reached my brain driving me insane
I'm right in the closet right where you left me, No one really cared so everyone will forget me
I know I'm slowly dying and I guess I'll never know, if you really loved me or if you were forced to let me go
Goode-bye Chris I'm sorry I hated you, but at least I can say I really loved you
So have fun with your "true mate" while I die in pain, but I mean you never loved me anyway
I don't know what you thought about me if I was a whore, Twins by chance, me no more. -
Hi! May I offer some criticism?
First of all, this poem rhymes. That's perfectly fine but it seems people are more interested in things like this:
A sun rising over a scarlet sky
Stained perfectly with my blood.
(Please do not use that for a poem however as it's for a book of poems I plan to publish soon)
Second, "the blood poisoning going to your brain, driving you insane?" That doesn't make sense. Blood poisoning would just kill you by flooding to the heart, not going to the brain and making you insane (yes I know it's a metaphor but hopefully you get my point.)
Possibly "the blood coming from my poisoned heart is slowly turning me to stone" (once again, do not use for a poem. Just an example)
Lastly, the last line makes absolutely no sense whatsoever
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I don't know what you thought about me if I was a whore, Twins by chance, me no more? That doesn't make any sense to be honest. It's too vague.
Anyways hope this helped! -
Ok, thanks. Criticsm greatly appreciated. :D
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Powder NewbieNo problem!
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